Frustrated, Waiting

Going back to work with so much in limbo was an exercise in patience.

Waiting for my tuition refund.
Waiting for someone to buy my bass trombone.
Waiting for the sofware activation code for my new school's steno software.
Waiting to see whether I'll be able to work from home again.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.
The days seemed to drag by.

I started watching the videos of classes I've missed with the new school, and they are awesome.
I can definitely say that transferring was the right choice. This is already way more work than I had to do at the previous school, and much more focused attention in a class of 10 than I ever got one-on-one at my previous school. Really excited to get started for reals. And also intimidated, and dreading all the work it's going to be. But hopefully it's worth it in the end.

My work week was a little less crazy because I had my scheduled days off, and also my shadowing in Training was pretty much done so I got to go back to my supervisor tasks. It was oddly quiet all week...perhaps the calm before the storm, a.k.a inauguration. I feel like it'll be subdued, even the stupid white trash domestic terrorist groups that staged a raid on the White House earlier in the month aren't quite dumb enough to stage some suicide run on Biden this week. I wonder if he'll have to have extra security for his whole term. God, why do morons have to ruin things for the rest of us?

Partway through the week, someone bought my bass trombone. Great!
Except he's in Germany. Not so great! So now I have to package this think like I'm insulating it against a nuclear holocaust. He's already paid for it so I'm praying to god it'll get to him in one piece.


Also partway through the week, I got confirmation that my tuition will be refunded and I am officially withdrawn from my old school. Peachy. I wish them all the best. I really did learn a lot, and was on a good path. But I just couldn't take my teacher any more. She was constantly late, she had no idea about technology, she seemed unable to keep track of where we were each week. But the worst of all was getting yelled at like a kid in grade school for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I paid my dues in that department and then some, thank you. Whatever, I'm just glad to be out of there. Now maybe I can actually look forward to class.

I had my first class on Tuesday, and yeah. It was good. It was a real goddamn class, imagine that. With other students, with two hours' worth of focused exercises. My previous school gave me one hour per week of live class time (I could have two if I asked, but why would I subject myself to that). This school requires four hours per week, with 10 hours of personal practice time in addition. It's going to kick my ass, but it'll be real learning. I enjoyed the first class and am already looking forward to Thursday. Hopefully I can get my software set up by then...on Tuesday night I used my Plover freeware which is OK, but kind of jank compared to Case Catalyst.

Anyway, the weekend couldn't come soon enough. It was hardly a weekend, there was so much to do!

On Wednesday I got up a little earlier than usual to take my bass trombone to USPS. That ended up being more stressful than expected because I didn't have enough packing peanuts, so had to make a special trip for those, then the printer chose today to stop working (WHY, OMG WHY), and by this time it was already 11am.  I managed to get my stuff printed at a local library after jumping through some hoops, and stood in line at the post office for an insane amount of time, but finally got the trombone sent right before noon. I pray to God it arrives in one piece because the poor man has already paid me.

I rushed home to watch the inauguration. I'm not sure I've ever watched one before, not even Obama's. This time, it means something. This time, it's a relief. Maybe we can finally hit the reset button as a country and actually focus on our zillions of problems instead of The Trump Drama. I hope he just goes straight to jail.

I wasted the entire rest of my day trying to complete tutorials for my new steno software and failing miserably. The main road block was finding out that I can't import my steno dictionary from the previous software to the new one. That's a year's worth of work, gone. I could have screamed, I would scream right now if Jameson weren't sitting next to me. And I'm already behind in the class due to transferring in. I just...it's so frustrating. I know I should be grateful that I'm only being set back this much. But right now it feels like a mountain being dropped on my head. Like every time I try to advance in this new skill, something happens to set me back. Should I not be pursuing this? If not, wtf am I supposed to do with my life from now on??

Argh. I see so many of my lj friends going through insane medical issues and family crises. I have no place to complain. I'm sorry. Sometimes even small stupid things build up until they become unbearable.

After I finally realized that I wasn't going to be able to use my steno software yet, I dropped that project and got started on pizza for dinner. I've been looking forward to making my own pizza dough all week, but going into it feeling frustrated was not helpful. Everything "seemed" to go all right, but when I tried to roll the dough out it refused to be in a circle shape and also kept tearing. I followed the directions exactly, so I was really disappointed in the results even though it tasted "good" and was "edible". God damn, if all I can say about my food is that it was "edible", I must not be much of a cook! :( At least it looks good for the 'gram?


Yes, it looks nice. The toppings were great. The crust had good flavor too. It was just the texture of a cracker as soon as it cooled.
Of course I will try again, perhaps using a different recipe or method. Today it was just another disappointment to add to the pile of little things I can't get right this week.

I'm grateful that Jameson enjoyed it, and that he thinks I'm silly for being so critical and upset over it.
But it's more than that. It's not enough. I'm not enough.
I don't contribute enough. What I do contribute is less-than-great more often than not. I make the same pay that I made in 2003 while in high school. I can't even complete a stenography tutorial without having to call or email ten people to ask for help. I can't complete one task at work without getting something wrong. Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it this far in life.

I'm angry with myself. I wish I could do better, be a better person. But I'm not. I'm just shitty old me.

Anyway, on Thursday I woke up kind of resigned to all the work I've got to do this weekend. At least I got to sleep in a bit.
I spent the morning meal prepping and getting things ready for work, then tried to get my new steno software working. Having no luck with that again, I switched gears and tackled my neglected garden. Not surprisingly my tomatoes are overrun with mealybugs, and the lettuce has bolted.


The second attempt with the carrots still did not work out, but it went better than last time. I think for the spring I'll try mixing their soil with some sand or mulch to lighten it up, so it's not restricting their growth so much.


I salvaged what produce I could, and then got to work throwing everything out. The soil is a year old so it is harboring lots of bacteria and bug larvae and such. If I had time and space I would solarize it and re-infuse it with nutrients, but we don't have a yard and I've got nowhere to stick 100 pounds of soil for 4-6 weeks to solarize. I forgot to take pictures, but I tore up all of the plants and emptied the planter. I left the smaller single-pot plants alone (strawberries, thyme, mint, lemon) to deal with later.

I was sad to throw out the jalapeno plant, but with all the mealybugs everywhere I'd just rather start fresh. Not sure what to do with all of these peppers but I'll think of something!


After that I had a meeting with my teacher, who helped me to FINALLY install my dictionary into my new steno software! OMG! Now I can actually practice! I've been losing my mind all week. She even helped me to fix the coding in the dictionary to be a better match for the new software. She's really on top of things!

When that was over I did take a little time to myself, just to lie still. Play some stupid games on my phone. Gather myself. I can feel my nerves firing, I'm so stressed.

Then I started prepping for dinner, which was chicken soup. Jameson has a head cold, and since his Meniere's Disease means he can't have a lot of salt he doesn't often get to enjoy chicken noodle soup when he's feeling bad. Referencing a recipe from Damn Delicious, I used unsalted chicken stock and loads of fresh herbs to make a nice low-salt soup. Bone-in chicken breast slow-boiled in the stock for 40 minutes with mirepoix, garlic, ginger, sage, bay leaf, lemon juice, salt, and pepper. I added the noodles near the end, then the herbs (thyme, dill, and parsley) right before serving. It was savory and delicious, especially served with warm crusty sourdough bread.


Then I had my second steno class with my new school. The teacher took significant time at the start of class to work with me on making sure my dictionary was functional...I felt bad about taking class time, but was extremely grateful for the help.

After class I relaxed for an hour before it was time for bed.

Remember way back at the beginning of this post, I was bitching about all the unresolved stuff in my life?

By Thursday night,

- My tuition had been refunded. Yay!
- Someone bought my bass trombone, and I shipped it.
- I got my activation code, and got the software working.
- Still waiting on the work-from-home, but honestly that's not as pressing as the others.

See? I need to chill out. But it's hard. I don't like to be behind. I hate when people owe me money or goods. I hate when I am supposed to be doing things, and I'm not/I can't. And so I freak out about it.
This week was just overly stressful, and I didn't know where or how to let that stress out.

Maybe next week will be better.
I hope next week will be better.