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As promised, pictures from my walk on Sunday.
A locust molt found hanging on a dividing wall.
A cardinal feather, from a female or juvenile.
That's it, haha.
------------------------------------------------------------
Monday I got up semi-early for work, and there wasn't anything for me to do, so worked on Foodie Finds and mixed up the ricotta filling for stuffed shells for dinner. Eventually I was given some work to do, did that and had therapy. We talked about my frustrations with work and not being able to contribute to the household, and I was able to explain myself a little better re: what it means for me to be a professional musician, and why I'm not willing to give that up just yet. I'd honestly like to get off the topic, but it's my own fault for griping about it and it IS a big point of stress in my life at this time. Anyway, it brought up another important thing which is how defensive I get about certain topics. So it was good that we talked about that even if it made me kinda huffy. I acknowledged my huffiness at least. And have promised to actively work on how I talk about myself, as a part of the process that leads to being defensive.Which I was ready to do in the moment, but as you will see below, as the week went on I went full-tilt in the opposite direction.
Also, he ended the session by telling me that I need to know and hear that I am loved and cared for.
Which immediately makes me burst into tears if anyone ever says it in my direction.
Because the last people to say those words to me and mean it are either all dead, or are different people now.
When the only person that you hear "You are loved" from is the guy you're paying to say it, that's sad.
But hearing it at all is enough to instantly cut me to the core.
There, now you know my emotional weakness.
As work wound down I threw together a no-knead bread recipe, which is just flour, yeast, water, and salt.
You barely even mix it, then let it sit on the counter for "2 to 3 hours" which in Florida is 1.5 hours.
Then you put a Dutch oven in the oven and let it get super hot, 450°F for 30 minutes.
Shape your loaf, drop it in the Dutch oven, close the lid and let it cook for 30 minutes, then 12 with the lid off.
Tada, bread. Nice and crusty and warm.
When that was done I made the stuffed shells.
With a side salad it was all very nice and Italian. Jameson put Boursin cheese on his bread, how FANCY.
After dinner he had to go to a rehearsal, and there was a big severe thunderstorm that blew through so I was worried for him, but he was able to set up and return home safely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday I got up early to work and pretty much worked all day.
Jameson got more good news about the Jollywood gig: they want him to MD it!
That means he'll get paid more, and also be involved in most if not all rehearsals.
The best part is that they mentioned the possibility of him doing this gig in the future as well.
Future gigs! Every musician's dream :)
I'm extremely happy for him of course! But on the selfish front, his success threw my failures into stark contrast as I plugged away at my $12/hr data entry job. Yes, I get to go on tour in a few months, but what you may not understand is that Jameson is going to make more than I earn in an entire year from that ONE holiday Disney gig. Plus he has a full time job. I am losing money this summer, so whatever I earn from the tour will just be replacing what was lost; I won't get ahead.
This made me think more about finding something to become certified in, perhaps while on tour.
Because frankly I just don't know what else to do. I want to keep touring and/or performing professionally, but if I'm just going to lose the money anyway and then not be valued anywhere else, there's no point. It's very disheartening. I know that Jameson has felt this same way for a long time, stuck at his dead end job, which is why I'm relieved and happy that he's suddenly got great gigs! But the difference in our situations is that he at least has full time work. He gets paid a living wage. He doesn't have to watch his bank account dwindle down because he's only worth $12 per hour, like me, a piece of garbage. If Jameson kicked me out tomorrow, I would be in absolute poverty despite all the money I've saved. It doesn't make me feel good.
I have to pay someone to tell me I'm loved, but I can't afford it. Lol.
Anyway, at some point I had to stop working because despite being garbage I'm also a human being who needs to eat and go outside once in a while. It was hot and humid and there were big heavy clouds in the sky, but the storms were not coming my way.
On this walk I found a broken wasp or hornet nest...
...and a bagworm cocoon. I don't think I've seen one of these before, it's pretty cool.
I am finding many good things on my walks lately.
Back home I relaxed as much as I could, which wasn't very much, and went around bookmarking types of certifications to look into.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I got up at 6:30am to work. I'm currently doing an upload project for the TSOLife app, which offers games and activities for residents (as well as the usual analytics side for the nursing home staff). The activities/games are just things like crossword puzzles, or recipes, or little cupcake toppers for when it's someone's birthday...arts and crafts projects...you get the idea. What I'm doing is basically populating at database with activities, one activity at a time; for example if there are fifty crossword pages, I'm uploading each page as an individual activity, plus instructions, a description, tags, categories, images, etc.
I like this kind of work better than processing the intake forms because it's easier to get into a flow and pattern when you're uploading 50 of the same thing over and over. It makes the time go faster. Which is why I easily got 7 hours in today.
Jameson had a performance at Disney again tonight but we got HelloFresh, and one of the meals had fish so I felt it best to cook it tonight (he's not going to be here for dinner tomorrow night either.) It was yummy but would have been better with company.
In other news, my sister--the one who is an OR nurse and lives in our hometown with her husband and child--made an offer on a house, and got it! And it's not just any house, it's a historic house! Very very beautiful. I'd share the listing but don't want the whole random internet knowing where she'll live (it's bad enough that people might reverse search this image. Don't do that!!!)
The house:
The inside is gorgeous. Hardwood everywhere, original ceilings and fireplaces and replica wallpaper. I am so happy for her!!
Honestly, to me, this is a castle. I will never be able to afford something like this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Currently it's Wednesday night and I'm typing this up in the quiet of the house, doing a load of laundry.
I've just bookmarked a bunch of sites about certifying for digital reporting and/or transcription.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to pay to get results, to get value.
"You have value outside of your job!" my therapist says.
Yeah? Prove it. Because I haven't seen any evidence of that.
I have to pay someone to tell me I'm loved. What does that say about my value?
I have to pay (once again) for courses and certifications that may-or-may-not give me value in the workplace. What does that say about my value to society?
I have to pay $180 on Friday to spend fifteen minutes with a doctor, probably so they can tell me to eat antacids and work on reducing stress. What does that say about the value of my physical self?
If I had value, I'd just be valued.
I wouldn't have to constantly pay someone to attribute me some value.
Whatever. I'm in a really bad place this week. But at least my sweetheart and my sister are rocking it! Good on 'em!
A locust molt found hanging on a dividing wall.
A cardinal feather, from a female or juvenile.
That's it, haha.
------------------------------------------------------------
Monday I got up semi-early for work, and there wasn't anything for me to do, so worked on Foodie Finds and mixed up the ricotta filling for stuffed shells for dinner. Eventually I was given some work to do, did that and had therapy. We talked about my frustrations with work and not being able to contribute to the household, and I was able to explain myself a little better re: what it means for me to be a professional musician, and why I'm not willing to give that up just yet. I'd honestly like to get off the topic, but it's my own fault for griping about it and it IS a big point of stress in my life at this time. Anyway, it brought up another important thing which is how defensive I get about certain topics. So it was good that we talked about that even if it made me kinda huffy. I acknowledged my huffiness at least. And have promised to actively work on how I talk about myself, as a part of the process that leads to being defensive.Which I was ready to do in the moment, but as you will see below, as the week went on I went full-tilt in the opposite direction.
Also, he ended the session by telling me that I need to know and hear that I am loved and cared for.
Which immediately makes me burst into tears if anyone ever says it in my direction.
Because the last people to say those words to me and mean it are either all dead, or are different people now.
When the only person that you hear "You are loved" from is the guy you're paying to say it, that's sad.
But hearing it at all is enough to instantly cut me to the core.
There, now you know my emotional weakness.
As work wound down I threw together a no-knead bread recipe, which is just flour, yeast, water, and salt.
You barely even mix it, then let it sit on the counter for "2 to 3 hours" which in Florida is 1.5 hours.
Then you put a Dutch oven in the oven and let it get super hot, 450°F for 30 minutes.
Shape your loaf, drop it in the Dutch oven, close the lid and let it cook for 30 minutes, then 12 with the lid off.
Tada, bread. Nice and crusty and warm.
When that was done I made the stuffed shells.
With a side salad it was all very nice and Italian. Jameson put Boursin cheese on his bread, how FANCY.
After dinner he had to go to a rehearsal, and there was a big severe thunderstorm that blew through so I was worried for him, but he was able to set up and return home safely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday I got up early to work and pretty much worked all day.
Jameson got more good news about the Jollywood gig: they want him to MD it!
That means he'll get paid more, and also be involved in most if not all rehearsals.
The best part is that they mentioned the possibility of him doing this gig in the future as well.
Future gigs! Every musician's dream :)
I'm extremely happy for him of course! But on the selfish front, his success threw my failures into stark contrast as I plugged away at my $12/hr data entry job. Yes, I get to go on tour in a few months, but what you may not understand is that Jameson is going to make more than I earn in an entire year from that ONE holiday Disney gig. Plus he has a full time job. I am losing money this summer, so whatever I earn from the tour will just be replacing what was lost; I won't get ahead.
This made me think more about finding something to become certified in, perhaps while on tour.
Because frankly I just don't know what else to do. I want to keep touring and/or performing professionally, but if I'm just going to lose the money anyway and then not be valued anywhere else, there's no point. It's very disheartening. I know that Jameson has felt this same way for a long time, stuck at his dead end job, which is why I'm relieved and happy that he's suddenly got great gigs! But the difference in our situations is that he at least has full time work. He gets paid a living wage. He doesn't have to watch his bank account dwindle down because he's only worth $12 per hour, like me, a piece of garbage. If Jameson kicked me out tomorrow, I would be in absolute poverty despite all the money I've saved. It doesn't make me feel good.
I have to pay someone to tell me I'm loved, but I can't afford it. Lol.
Anyway, at some point I had to stop working because despite being garbage I'm also a human being who needs to eat and go outside once in a while. It was hot and humid and there were big heavy clouds in the sky, but the storms were not coming my way.
On this walk I found a broken wasp or hornet nest...
...and a bagworm cocoon. I don't think I've seen one of these before, it's pretty cool.
I am finding many good things on my walks lately.
Back home I relaxed as much as I could, which wasn't very much, and went around bookmarking types of certifications to look into.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I got up at 6:30am to work. I'm currently doing an upload project for the TSOLife app, which offers games and activities for residents (as well as the usual analytics side for the nursing home staff). The activities/games are just things like crossword puzzles, or recipes, or little cupcake toppers for when it's someone's birthday...arts and crafts projects...you get the idea. What I'm doing is basically populating at database with activities, one activity at a time; for example if there are fifty crossword pages, I'm uploading each page as an individual activity, plus instructions, a description, tags, categories, images, etc.
I like this kind of work better than processing the intake forms because it's easier to get into a flow and pattern when you're uploading 50 of the same thing over and over. It makes the time go faster. Which is why I easily got 7 hours in today.
Jameson had a performance at Disney again tonight but we got HelloFresh, and one of the meals had fish so I felt it best to cook it tonight (he's not going to be here for dinner tomorrow night either.) It was yummy but would have been better with company.
In other news, my sister--the one who is an OR nurse and lives in our hometown with her husband and child--made an offer on a house, and got it! And it's not just any house, it's a historic house! Very very beautiful. I'd share the listing but don't want the whole random internet knowing where she'll live (it's bad enough that people might reverse search this image. Don't do that!!!)
The house:
The inside is gorgeous. Hardwood everywhere, original ceilings and fireplaces and replica wallpaper. I am so happy for her!!
Honestly, to me, this is a castle. I will never be able to afford something like this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Currently it's Wednesday night and I'm typing this up in the quiet of the house, doing a load of laundry.
I've just bookmarked a bunch of sites about certifying for digital reporting and/or transcription.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to pay to get results, to get value.
"You have value outside of your job!" my therapist says.
Yeah? Prove it. Because I haven't seen any evidence of that.
I have to pay someone to tell me I'm loved. What does that say about my value?
I have to pay (once again) for courses and certifications that may-or-may-not give me value in the workplace. What does that say about my value to society?
I have to pay $180 on Friday to spend fifteen minutes with a doctor, probably so they can tell me to eat antacids and work on reducing stress. What does that say about the value of my physical self?
If I had value, I'd just be valued.
I wouldn't have to constantly pay someone to attribute me some value.
Whatever. I'm in a really bad place this week. But at least my sweetheart and my sister are rocking it! Good on 'em!
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