![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
December Layoff 2023 Part 6
Jan. 3rd, 2024 10:15 pmNew Year's Day, we did New Year's Day things.
I got up at 7:30 to work and eat breakfast. Jameson woke up a bit later and after breakfast, took the ornaments and lights off the Christmas tree and put our decorations away, indoor and outdoor. We shared some leftover blinis and caviar, and I had leftover salmon for lunch. Then we both spent some time digging through our closets, drawers, and cupboards for things we don't use. Once or twice a year I take things to the thrift store that I've kept around for years and never used. The stuffed Chick-fil-a cow that I got on the circus but never cuddle or travel with. The mugs and souvenir cups, given to us by people or companies that we no longer interact with. The clothing that we lie to ourselves about liking. I'm sure you know the drill.
I'm using a GIGANTIC Amazon gift bag to hold most of it, and will drop it off at a thrift store later this week.
After that I spent some time repacking for tour, right now just switching out misc clothing and restocking my teas, medications, and other little travel supplies. As we get closer to the end of the week I'll pack more.
For dinner it was Fargo and tacos, then it was time for our annual Christmas Tree Yeeting under the cover of darkness.
There's undeveloped swamp/woods behind our house, and it's a dumping ground for dead or unwanted plants for the whole neighborhood, and we are no exception. We've lobbed the corpses of at least three Christmas trees back there so far. This year we donned black hoodies (unintentionally sinister! It's just what we both happened to have at hand) and I unscrewed the tree stand while Jameson carried the tree outside.
The neighbors (snowbirds from Canada who have been here for over a month) were having a big barbecue outside. We were coming from the front of the house and walking in the narrow strip of grass between our house and theirs, meaning we'd suddenly appear right next to them outside their lanai. "We're going to startle them," I warned Jameson. "Yeah," he huffed around the tree, "Oh well!"
We manifested right next to their grill and kept walking quietly, and got about two seconds of going unnoticed before their yippy small dog leapt to its feet and howled in terror. "Holy FUCK," an old man said, clutching his chest.
"Sorry, sorry!" I said. "We live next door, we're throwing out our tree! Don't mind us!"
Jameson yeeted the tree over the fence, a respectable throw.
The neighbors had a good laugh and went on with their barbecue but continued giving us odd looks as we made our way back to the front of the house in our suspicious black hoodies. That's the first time we've ever been witnessed disposing of our tree. Funny stuff.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday and finally the holidays are OVER.
I love Christmas and New Year's, but hate the disruption it causes with work and life/home maintenance. Trying to catch all of these little windows when shops are and aren't open, and when things can and cannot ship, and what needs to be baked and sent and prepared how far in advance, etc etc. It's been a wonderful holiday season but every year I'm glad to get back to grocery shopping at normal hours, having work to do in regular intervals, and cleaning that doesn't involve tiptoeing around trees and presents.
I was up a bit late knowing full well that there'd be no new data entry work for me until the California people got out of bed.
After breakfast went to a grocery store way on the other side of Kissimmee because they had spices that I need to make a faux corned beef.
I got everything that I needed, and when I got home ate lunch and made a batch of caramels.
A bunch of packages arrived, things I'd ordered before the holidays.
A new carry-on suitcase from a company called July that seems to be small-owned and operated. I'm pleased with the quality of it and the thoughtful design, so hopefully it'll last me a long time.
A pair of sequined black pants and a "magenta" pea coat, both thrifted.
The pants were a disappointment, uncomfortable and the waist was POOFY for some reason, so into the giant Amazon bag they went. The coat was also disappointing because it's supposed to be a back-up for my raspberry/magenta-colored pea coat that I get so many complements on, but it is definitely the wrong color, a darker "cranberry". Rats. I'll keep the coat but the search continues.
I'd wanted to go for a walk but was in a mood...I always seem to get this way a few days before going back on tour or before any major life event that I can see coming up. I think it's related to childhood trauma again; it's a feeling like I HAVE to accomplish all outstanding chores and tasks before going on tour. As though if I don't dust the bookshelf in the bedroom my dad will pop out of the wall and start screaming at me, it's that kind of anxiety. Like HOW DARE I sit for a moment with a cup of tea when there's SO MUCH to do. Ugh. I'm about to be 40, will this psychological garbage ever let up?
Well anyway, instead of going for a walk I decided to make the dough for rye bread (I'm making Reubens with faux corned beef since Jameson can't have that much salt.) I used a super-easy no-knead recipe from King Arthur, but it does require an overnight fridge proof so I wanted to get 'er done. Throw everything in a bowl and let rise for two hours, easy peasy.
Just as I'd cleaned up after the dough Jameson came out and suggested dinner at Lazy Dog. I was down, but we had to wait on my bread dough so we didn't head over until 6:30. And when we got there it was an absolute clusterf*ck with a 30-minute wait, so we ended up eating at nearby Portillo's instead. This was ok because I've never eaten at Portillo's and Chicago dogs are yummy! But it was still kind of a bummer. Afterward I had a blazing headache and didn't feel good, so mostly drank tea and kept my eyes closed while Jameson played John Wick.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday I got up early to get the rye dough out to finish proofing, then did an hour of work while I waited.
Jameson went to the gym about the time that the dough was supposed to go into the oven; I was so nervous that I forgot to grease the bread oven, and then the dough wasn't unsticking from the banneton so it flopped sideways onto the side of the scalding-hot oven. Great.
I took this picture while deciding what TF to do about it.
After screaming out loud in frustration (I was alone, why not) I baked it anyway just to see how it would have worked (and because I figured it'd be easier to scrape out of the bread oven once fully baked.) Here's how it turned out:
Looks beautiful, right? And it came unstuck by itself.
But the crumb was dense and wet. Sigh. Whatever, I'm unhappy with most of what I do lately. It seems like the simplest tasks are the ones I tend to mess up the most and I don't know why that should be. Not sure if it's stress or hormones or just feeling like everything is a mess but whatever it is it disgusts me and I don't want to be around myself.
I wanted to do more data entry work but there wasn't any, so after the bread I went for a very huffy walk.
Came back and prepped some things for the beef for dinner, ate lunch, cut and packaged the caramels.
Jameson had work until 5pm, and after that we went to Lowes to scope out potential new toilets. Both of ours are original to the house and have problems; one is cracked and leaking in the tank, and the other drains nearly constantly. We found a model that we like and will go back for it another day. We also got some flowers to put along the entryway to the house, to replace all the African irises that we dug up last week.
Back home I started the roast and felt very pissy about it. I was supposed to bring it to a boil in the Dutch oven, which I did, but then it's supposed to simmer and the Dutch oven was so hot that the damned thing would just not stop boiling. I finally shut the burner off for a while and that seemed to solve it, but we had a very late dinner between 7-8pm and it wasn't very good. All of those spices I bought and you could barely taste them in the beef. It tasted nothing like a Reuben and was overall disappointing. Plain deli meat would have been better (but again, Jameson can't eat a lot of salt.)
See what I mean? Why does everything I touch lately turn to shit?
Jameson said it was good and didn't complain, but I wanted it to be special for him and it was just, GARBAGE. Two hours of stewing this meat and driving around to get the spices needed and having bread dough fermenting overnight and rising for hours, for something that tasted worse than Denny's.
Where's the part where I get to reciprocate with the person who pays all of my bills. Where's the part where he gets something worthwhile and good from me.
Sorry but this first week of 2024 is not psychologically great for me. Maybe Jameson's self-depreciation is impacting me, in that I feel I should be doing something to brighten his day or make his life easier, especially before leaving on tour again; and yet every attempt comes across like a little kid trying to help and causing more problems instead. At the end of the day when I'm looking at the list of chores I didn't do, and the loaf of mediocre bread that I wasted hours on instead of doing something more useful, and the grey flavorless roast that was supposed to be a special meal for the person I care about...like, can you imagine if YOU were that incompetent and crappy of a partner? It would not make you feel great about yourself, right? I feel like garbage.
And no, Jameson doesn't do anything to make me feel that way. He's very supportive. He said dinner was great even though it wasn't a Reuben. He exclaimed over my bread and said I did a good job. In a way that makes it even worse, like I've now forced him to swallow my mistakes and smile about it.
Anyway, enough again. I get most frustrated and disgusted with myself when I try to do things above-and-beyond for Jameson, and fail miserably. At least cleaning should go well tomorrow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I'm getting up super early because I have too much to do and not enough time.
Before Sunday I need to clean the shower and both bathrooms, dust, dust the big bookshelf in the bedroom, do laundry, wash our sheets, work, cook at least one more meal for us, take our things to the thrift store, mail caramels and hand-deliver caramels, plant our flowers along the walkway, practice trombone, wash the trombone, finish packing, and certainly many more things that I'm forgetting. Right now it feels overwhelming and too much, which is ridiculous as I'm not even WORKING right now. What I mostly need to do is quit being a stress-ball and focus on getting things done little by little, and calm down about it.
I got up at 7:30 to work and eat breakfast. Jameson woke up a bit later and after breakfast, took the ornaments and lights off the Christmas tree and put our decorations away, indoor and outdoor. We shared some leftover blinis and caviar, and I had leftover salmon for lunch. Then we both spent some time digging through our closets, drawers, and cupboards for things we don't use. Once or twice a year I take things to the thrift store that I've kept around for years and never used. The stuffed Chick-fil-a cow that I got on the circus but never cuddle or travel with. The mugs and souvenir cups, given to us by people or companies that we no longer interact with. The clothing that we lie to ourselves about liking. I'm sure you know the drill.
I'm using a GIGANTIC Amazon gift bag to hold most of it, and will drop it off at a thrift store later this week.
After that I spent some time repacking for tour, right now just switching out misc clothing and restocking my teas, medications, and other little travel supplies. As we get closer to the end of the week I'll pack more.
For dinner it was Fargo and tacos, then it was time for our annual Christmas Tree Yeeting under the cover of darkness.
There's undeveloped swamp/woods behind our house, and it's a dumping ground for dead or unwanted plants for the whole neighborhood, and we are no exception. We've lobbed the corpses of at least three Christmas trees back there so far. This year we donned black hoodies (unintentionally sinister! It's just what we both happened to have at hand) and I unscrewed the tree stand while Jameson carried the tree outside.
The neighbors (snowbirds from Canada who have been here for over a month) were having a big barbecue outside. We were coming from the front of the house and walking in the narrow strip of grass between our house and theirs, meaning we'd suddenly appear right next to them outside their lanai. "We're going to startle them," I warned Jameson. "Yeah," he huffed around the tree, "Oh well!"
We manifested right next to their grill and kept walking quietly, and got about two seconds of going unnoticed before their yippy small dog leapt to its feet and howled in terror. "Holy FUCK," an old man said, clutching his chest.
"Sorry, sorry!" I said. "We live next door, we're throwing out our tree! Don't mind us!"
Jameson yeeted the tree over the fence, a respectable throw.
The neighbors had a good laugh and went on with their barbecue but continued giving us odd looks as we made our way back to the front of the house in our suspicious black hoodies. That's the first time we've ever been witnessed disposing of our tree. Funny stuff.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday and finally the holidays are OVER.
I love Christmas and New Year's, but hate the disruption it causes with work and life/home maintenance. Trying to catch all of these little windows when shops are and aren't open, and when things can and cannot ship, and what needs to be baked and sent and prepared how far in advance, etc etc. It's been a wonderful holiday season but every year I'm glad to get back to grocery shopping at normal hours, having work to do in regular intervals, and cleaning that doesn't involve tiptoeing around trees and presents.
I was up a bit late knowing full well that there'd be no new data entry work for me until the California people got out of bed.
After breakfast went to a grocery store way on the other side of Kissimmee because they had spices that I need to make a faux corned beef.
I got everything that I needed, and when I got home ate lunch and made a batch of caramels.
A bunch of packages arrived, things I'd ordered before the holidays.
A new carry-on suitcase from a company called July that seems to be small-owned and operated. I'm pleased with the quality of it and the thoughtful design, so hopefully it'll last me a long time.
A pair of sequined black pants and a "magenta" pea coat, both thrifted.
The pants were a disappointment, uncomfortable and the waist was POOFY for some reason, so into the giant Amazon bag they went. The coat was also disappointing because it's supposed to be a back-up for my raspberry/magenta-colored pea coat that I get so many complements on, but it is definitely the wrong color, a darker "cranberry". Rats. I'll keep the coat but the search continues.
I'd wanted to go for a walk but was in a mood...I always seem to get this way a few days before going back on tour or before any major life event that I can see coming up. I think it's related to childhood trauma again; it's a feeling like I HAVE to accomplish all outstanding chores and tasks before going on tour. As though if I don't dust the bookshelf in the bedroom my dad will pop out of the wall and start screaming at me, it's that kind of anxiety. Like HOW DARE I sit for a moment with a cup of tea when there's SO MUCH to do. Ugh. I'm about to be 40, will this psychological garbage ever let up?
Well anyway, instead of going for a walk I decided to make the dough for rye bread (I'm making Reubens with faux corned beef since Jameson can't have that much salt.) I used a super-easy no-knead recipe from King Arthur, but it does require an overnight fridge proof so I wanted to get 'er done. Throw everything in a bowl and let rise for two hours, easy peasy.
Just as I'd cleaned up after the dough Jameson came out and suggested dinner at Lazy Dog. I was down, but we had to wait on my bread dough so we didn't head over until 6:30. And when we got there it was an absolute clusterf*ck with a 30-minute wait, so we ended up eating at nearby Portillo's instead. This was ok because I've never eaten at Portillo's and Chicago dogs are yummy! But it was still kind of a bummer. Afterward I had a blazing headache and didn't feel good, so mostly drank tea and kept my eyes closed while Jameson played John Wick.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday I got up early to get the rye dough out to finish proofing, then did an hour of work while I waited.
Jameson went to the gym about the time that the dough was supposed to go into the oven; I was so nervous that I forgot to grease the bread oven, and then the dough wasn't unsticking from the banneton so it flopped sideways onto the side of the scalding-hot oven. Great.
I took this picture while deciding what TF to do about it.
After screaming out loud in frustration (I was alone, why not) I baked it anyway just to see how it would have worked (and because I figured it'd be easier to scrape out of the bread oven once fully baked.) Here's how it turned out:
Looks beautiful, right? And it came unstuck by itself.
But the crumb was dense and wet. Sigh. Whatever, I'm unhappy with most of what I do lately. It seems like the simplest tasks are the ones I tend to mess up the most and I don't know why that should be. Not sure if it's stress or hormones or just feeling like everything is a mess but whatever it is it disgusts me and I don't want to be around myself.
I wanted to do more data entry work but there wasn't any, so after the bread I went for a very huffy walk.
Came back and prepped some things for the beef for dinner, ate lunch, cut and packaged the caramels.
Jameson had work until 5pm, and after that we went to Lowes to scope out potential new toilets. Both of ours are original to the house and have problems; one is cracked and leaking in the tank, and the other drains nearly constantly. We found a model that we like and will go back for it another day. We also got some flowers to put along the entryway to the house, to replace all the African irises that we dug up last week.
Back home I started the roast and felt very pissy about it. I was supposed to bring it to a boil in the Dutch oven, which I did, but then it's supposed to simmer and the Dutch oven was so hot that the damned thing would just not stop boiling. I finally shut the burner off for a while and that seemed to solve it, but we had a very late dinner between 7-8pm and it wasn't very good. All of those spices I bought and you could barely taste them in the beef. It tasted nothing like a Reuben and was overall disappointing. Plain deli meat would have been better (but again, Jameson can't eat a lot of salt.)
See what I mean? Why does everything I touch lately turn to shit?
Jameson said it was good and didn't complain, but I wanted it to be special for him and it was just, GARBAGE. Two hours of stewing this meat and driving around to get the spices needed and having bread dough fermenting overnight and rising for hours, for something that tasted worse than Denny's.
Where's the part where I get to reciprocate with the person who pays all of my bills. Where's the part where he gets something worthwhile and good from me.
Sorry but this first week of 2024 is not psychologically great for me. Maybe Jameson's self-depreciation is impacting me, in that I feel I should be doing something to brighten his day or make his life easier, especially before leaving on tour again; and yet every attempt comes across like a little kid trying to help and causing more problems instead. At the end of the day when I'm looking at the list of chores I didn't do, and the loaf of mediocre bread that I wasted hours on instead of doing something more useful, and the grey flavorless roast that was supposed to be a special meal for the person I care about...like, can you imagine if YOU were that incompetent and crappy of a partner? It would not make you feel great about yourself, right? I feel like garbage.
And no, Jameson doesn't do anything to make me feel that way. He's very supportive. He said dinner was great even though it wasn't a Reuben. He exclaimed over my bread and said I did a good job. In a way that makes it even worse, like I've now forced him to swallow my mistakes and smile about it.
Anyway, enough again. I get most frustrated and disgusted with myself when I try to do things above-and-beyond for Jameson, and fail miserably. At least cleaning should go well tomorrow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I'm getting up super early because I have too much to do and not enough time.
Before Sunday I need to clean the shower and both bathrooms, dust, dust the big bookshelf in the bedroom, do laundry, wash our sheets, work, cook at least one more meal for us, take our things to the thrift store, mail caramels and hand-deliver caramels, plant our flowers along the walkway, practice trombone, wash the trombone, finish packing, and certainly many more things that I'm forgetting. Right now it feels overwhelming and too much, which is ridiculous as I'm not even WORKING right now. What I mostly need to do is quit being a stress-ball and focus on getting things done little by little, and calm down about it.
