Ten Years Together. Bananas!
Jul. 24th, 2023 09:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taz_39Monday, I woke to multiple calls and texts from the plumber at 7am, who was not supposed to be coming until noon.
Whatever. I had breakfast and trolled Indeed for a while, responded to emails, and waited and waited for this plumber.
He eventually showed up an hour after noon (of course.) But he was friendly and professional, and did a great job, and now we have working hot water in the guest bathroom.
I did hear back from the recruiter about my transcription job: the job still exists, but they are still waiting on the government to complete my background check and clearance. It has now been close to two months since I sent that paperwork in, so while I'm reassured that there IS a job, I am concerned about how long this is taking. I can't wait indefinitely for the government to dig through a paperwork backlog while the number in my bank account continues to go down. The recruiter was very understanding of that, so she's still got me lined up for employment whenever things go through. But continuing to wait and do nothing is going to put me in a bad spot.
So I applied to a few part-time jobs and had lunch, then once the plumber was gone I practiced trombone and went for a walk. It was gross outside, sticky and hot, but at least it was overcast and around 90°F. It's hard to dredge up motivation for these walks, but once I've done it I do feel better and more energetic.
Back home I was happy to finally get my Notary certificate.
I don't have anywhere to use it currently, but it's good for four years so perhaps it'll come in handy.
Naturally I am nervous about the prospect of officializing documents...well, more about the possibility of screwing up!
But I have always been the type of person who spends HOURS looking for errors before submitting something.
Certainly that trait will come in handy here.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, I had slept poorly because my sinuses kept closing up at night and made me feel like I was suffocating :(
Plus I was nervous about the GI appointment. See, why am I nervous?! There is no reason to be.
Maybe it really is time for Cognative Behavioral Therapy.
Breakfast and a slow morning, I had nothing to do.
After lunch I drove to the GI's office.
The exam room was straight out of my childhood, circa 1980s...everything in brown and beige, jars of cotton balls and swabs, even one of those old conical ear examination probes sitting out on the counter.
The doctor was an older man who introduced himself and listened as I described the symptoms that had brought me here.
I handed over my CT scan analysis and CD (the radiology clinic had NOT sent them over in advance so this was his first time seeing them.) The doctor declined to look at the actual CT scan images, explaining that the radiologist goes to school for years specifically to be able to interpret the images they see. Most internalists and general practitioners do not receive this training. So, the radiologist can interpret the scan but may not give a diagnosis, while the gastroenterologist is not trained to interpret the scan but CAN give a diagnosis based on the radiologist's interpretation. (CLICK HERE to see a sort-of reference for this)
This was something that I hadn't understood, so once again I was disappointed.
Isn't ANYONE gonna look at my guts with me??
Anyway, after reviewing the radiologist's report and asking a whole lot of questions about my symptoms and my habits and my diet and the timeline for everything, he raised his eyebrows at me and said (I'm paraphrasing), "Well, we could do a colonoscopy to investigate the possibility of mild inflammatory colitis. But as you're no longer experiencing symptoms, I think that would be a pretty expensive procedure to do without insurance."
I agreed, and asked if he thought there was ANYTHING here that needed to be addressed.
He said no, and that if I wanted to do a colonoscopy I could afford to wait both to get insurance or to see if I experience further symptoms.
He sent me on my way with a sample pack of a probiotic and a promise to call right away if symptoms come back.
"Hopefully we don't hear from you!" he said gruffly as we parted ways in the hall, before disappearing into another exam room.
Well. I felt silly and somewhat embarrassed. And frankly kind of...unsatisfied with the lack of detailed analysis. I'd gone into this with an expectation that at some point, someone would go over every visible organ on the CT scan with me, or every line of the radiologist's report. But you know what, maybe I shouldn't be disappointed about that, because maybe it just wasn't warranted.
I should have asked more questions too, but in the moment--with this doctor raising his eyebrows at me as I described having no symptoms after some OTC Prilosec--I just...couldn't. And at this point I've had three different types of doctor tell me that things are "unremarkable" and "normal", or "That's actually really common," when I ask about things like "mildly enlarged liver" or "contracted gallbladder".
All of this was because I had a week of uncomfortable burning and cramping in my abdomen. I didn't have pain, or nausea, or vomiting, or fever, or weight loss, or loss of sleep, or bowel changes. It was just something unusual for me, that went on LONGER than usual for me, so I got anxious about it and looked into it. And thankfully, it seems to be nothing.
I'll monitor myself, but pretty sure it's time to stop worrying about this and move on.
And by "move on", I mean I'm going to look into CBT therapy and stress management because that is very likely the cause of all this.
It's happened before: I get myself stressed out and worked up, and that stress manifests into actual physical symptoms.
Not only that, I notice myself getting more and more phobic about All Things Medical, and that is going to be a huge hindrance to me as I get older. I may have been able to power through these things up to this point, but I think it's time to acknowledge that I need help managing stress, anxiety, and phobic thoughts.
Back home I updated Jameson on The Results.
I also got some good, or at least interesting news, involving a touring opportunity at the end of the year, which I'll share here once I have more information.
We made Hello Fresh pork bowls for dinner, and had a chill night.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday I felt anxious immediately upon waking up.
Over nothing. Or, over everything (see most recent friends only post)
So I created a BetterHelp account and paid for a months' worth of therapy.
Of course this isn't as good as "real" counseling, but it's what I can afford (sort of) without insurance.
In the afternoon I took pics of my steno machine and accessories for potential sale. So much for THAT covid pipe dream.
Then I made "Strawberry Fluffies", an easy four-ingredient cookie recipe that has been trending on TikTok but is credited to a recipe from 1976. The ingredients are strawberry cake mix, Cool Whip, 1 egg, and powdered sugar.
The resulting batter looked like bubble gum, or taffy!
The powdered sugar was definitely necessary for shaping the cookies, since the dough was incredibly sticky and gummy.
Into a 350°F oven for 10-12 minutes, voila, fluffy strawberry cookies!
They were quite good! And because you're using a lot less oil/butter than you would when making the cake mix, they're actually pretty low in calories too (approx 150 per cookie depending on how many you make). They have a soft cake texture, but also a chewy and crispy edge like a cookie. We liked these a lot, and want to make a chocolate version next time. Maybe even chocolate and strawberry, and swirl them together. Mmmmmm....
For dinner, Jameson made a Hello Fresh crunchy chicken breast with roasted carrots and mashed taters.
It was very yum.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday:
Breakfast, errands, trimming and fertilizing the banana trees in the sweltering heat.
As I was clearing the ground around the trees to lay down fertilizer, I noticed a new pup:
...and then another...and another...until I had uncovered FOUR of them beneath the two largest trees, all in different stages of growth!
The third-largest tree also has a pup, so there are a total of NINE banana plants. Sheesh!
I will probably give some away again (or get ambitious and sell them, but they wouldn't go for much tbh.)
I was only outside for maybe 20-30 minutes but was absolutely dripping sweat by the time I got back inside.
Jameson has caught my head cold :( We are both feeling rough and are just taking it easy.
I applied for more jobs and tried to distract myself from worrying about things I can't control.
He played Diablo IV.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, breakfast, practicing trombone, driving to the tailor to pick up my pants, grocery for ingredients for Saturday's dinner.
Trying to negotiate for a touring opportunity. Applying to more part-time jobs.
Taking a dip in the pool because it was boiling hot outside and the water was so inviting.
For dinner we ordered tacos from Chuy's and watched Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, which made me feel SO OLD. The main character, a 17-year-old girl, is SMOKING! INDOORS! And at work!! For the entire movie!! Not to mention antique items like Rolodexes on each desk, clunky cordless house phones, an "entertainment system" with a VCR and a huge box TV, and the shoulderpads in women's clothing, my god! So much that has gone the way of the dinosaur, but that was commonplace in my childhood. It was a fun nostalgic watch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, I felt restless and applied to some on-site jobs instead of from-home.
I guess the goal will be to have one or two part-time jobs, of any kind, for August.
I don't really know how to handle this upsetting job situation honestly. I'm just flailing at this point.
In the afternoon Jameson was working on a project for school, and asked to record me playing a little for one of his tracks!
I love when we get to work together on music stuff!
I was nervous (literally everything makes me nervous right now) but he was happy with the end result.
Here he is looking over the tracks. The block of blue tracks on the screen are my blatty trombone notes :p
For dinner I made easy mini pot pies.
Four ingredients: Pillsbury flaky biscuits, frozen mixed veggies, cooked chicken breast, and UNSALTED cream of chicken soup!
I was so happy to find unsalted cream of chicken! Jameson has Meniere's disease, so we try to keep salt low and being able to control the salt on this means we can add it to our regular lineup of dishes. This recipe could be modified in so many ways...I could do a beef bourguignon version, or a ham and cheese...lots of possibilities.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday. A special day.
Because as of July 23, 2023, Jameson and I have been together for TEN years!
We met when I joined the circus in 2012, he was a keyboardist and I was of course the trombonist.
Over the next year and a half, we developed some feelings for each other.
Eventually I screwed up my courage and asked Jameson out via text; or rather, I expressed my feelings to him and left it up to him to decide how to proceed. Because when you work on a tour, forming relationships can create unwanted drama or disrupt the work environment, and I didn't want to mess things up for either of us OR our coworkers.
He invited me to a nearby revolving sushi place, and I figured he was going to let me down gently.
But instead he sat down next to me and said, "I have been trying to figure out how to ask you out for months!!"
And the rest is history.
We've weathered circus life, the closing of the circus, illnesses, relocations, periods of separation and long-distance, surgeries, the pandemic, Florida, unemployment, and all sorts of things that life has thrown at us.
We've had great adventures and discoveries in food and travel and life, and days of absolutely nothing at all, and days of slogging away at work.
It's been fun and exciting, difficult and scary, intense and stressful, calm and quiet, among other things.
Of course we don't know what will happen next. Both of us are still kind of a mess post-pandemic...our careers in upheaval, and with little direction or stability in our lives. We try to create stability by eating dinner together and making time for walks and outings, but meanwhile so much is in turmoil and so much is unknown.
I'm always amazed when I realize how long we've been together. But it really is easy being with Jameson. He's got depressive issues that I very much wish were nonexistant; I've got anxiety issues that I can barely keep a lid on. But we muddle through, and I think a lot of that is because we are so mindful of each other; we give each other lots of space; we are there for each other any time no matter the physical distance; we support each other's passions and work and activities outside our relationship. It's my opinion that if you love someone, you'll never tie them down, make them compromise, or limit them to with your own wants and needs. And I think that because we give each other so much room to be ourselves, that's why our relationship has lasted so long, and been so wonderful :)
Anyway. Here are some pictures of Jameson and I.
Mostly from our circus days, but some of them are more recent.
It's Sunday morning as I'm typing this, and Jameson isn't up yet.
We didn't make any special plans: just air fryer wings and pizza for dinner, and probably a movie.
We hope to go for a walk in the afternoon if it's not broiling outside, and if it is, we'll swim instead.
The "celebration" this year, I guess, is that we are both alive, moderately healthy, and still together.
I feel lucky indeed!
Whatever. I had breakfast and trolled Indeed for a while, responded to emails, and waited and waited for this plumber.
He eventually showed up an hour after noon (of course.) But he was friendly and professional, and did a great job, and now we have working hot water in the guest bathroom.
I did hear back from the recruiter about my transcription job: the job still exists, but they are still waiting on the government to complete my background check and clearance. It has now been close to two months since I sent that paperwork in, so while I'm reassured that there IS a job, I am concerned about how long this is taking. I can't wait indefinitely for the government to dig through a paperwork backlog while the number in my bank account continues to go down. The recruiter was very understanding of that, so she's still got me lined up for employment whenever things go through. But continuing to wait and do nothing is going to put me in a bad spot.
So I applied to a few part-time jobs and had lunch, then once the plumber was gone I practiced trombone and went for a walk. It was gross outside, sticky and hot, but at least it was overcast and around 90°F. It's hard to dredge up motivation for these walks, but once I've done it I do feel better and more energetic.
Back home I was happy to finally get my Notary certificate.
I don't have anywhere to use it currently, but it's good for four years so perhaps it'll come in handy.
Naturally I am nervous about the prospect of officializing documents...well, more about the possibility of screwing up!
But I have always been the type of person who spends HOURS looking for errors before submitting something.
Certainly that trait will come in handy here.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, I had slept poorly because my sinuses kept closing up at night and made me feel like I was suffocating :(
Plus I was nervous about the GI appointment. See, why am I nervous?! There is no reason to be.
Maybe it really is time for Cognative Behavioral Therapy.
Breakfast and a slow morning, I had nothing to do.
After lunch I drove to the GI's office.
The exam room was straight out of my childhood, circa 1980s...everything in brown and beige, jars of cotton balls and swabs, even one of those old conical ear examination probes sitting out on the counter.
The doctor was an older man who introduced himself and listened as I described the symptoms that had brought me here.
I handed over my CT scan analysis and CD (the radiology clinic had NOT sent them over in advance so this was his first time seeing them.) The doctor declined to look at the actual CT scan images, explaining that the radiologist goes to school for years specifically to be able to interpret the images they see. Most internalists and general practitioners do not receive this training. So, the radiologist can interpret the scan but may not give a diagnosis, while the gastroenterologist is not trained to interpret the scan but CAN give a diagnosis based on the radiologist's interpretation. (CLICK HERE to see a sort-of reference for this)
This was something that I hadn't understood, so once again I was disappointed.
Isn't ANYONE gonna look at my guts with me??
Anyway, after reviewing the radiologist's report and asking a whole lot of questions about my symptoms and my habits and my diet and the timeline for everything, he raised his eyebrows at me and said (I'm paraphrasing), "Well, we could do a colonoscopy to investigate the possibility of mild inflammatory colitis. But as you're no longer experiencing symptoms, I think that would be a pretty expensive procedure to do without insurance."
I agreed, and asked if he thought there was ANYTHING here that needed to be addressed.
He said no, and that if I wanted to do a colonoscopy I could afford to wait both to get insurance or to see if I experience further symptoms.
He sent me on my way with a sample pack of a probiotic and a promise to call right away if symptoms come back.
"Hopefully we don't hear from you!" he said gruffly as we parted ways in the hall, before disappearing into another exam room.
Well. I felt silly and somewhat embarrassed. And frankly kind of...unsatisfied with the lack of detailed analysis. I'd gone into this with an expectation that at some point, someone would go over every visible organ on the CT scan with me, or every line of the radiologist's report. But you know what, maybe I shouldn't be disappointed about that, because maybe it just wasn't warranted.
I should have asked more questions too, but in the moment--with this doctor raising his eyebrows at me as I described having no symptoms after some OTC Prilosec--I just...couldn't. And at this point I've had three different types of doctor tell me that things are "unremarkable" and "normal", or "That's actually really common," when I ask about things like "mildly enlarged liver" or "contracted gallbladder".
All of this was because I had a week of uncomfortable burning and cramping in my abdomen. I didn't have pain, or nausea, or vomiting, or fever, or weight loss, or loss of sleep, or bowel changes. It was just something unusual for me, that went on LONGER than usual for me, so I got anxious about it and looked into it. And thankfully, it seems to be nothing.
I'll monitor myself, but pretty sure it's time to stop worrying about this and move on.
And by "move on", I mean I'm going to look into CBT therapy and stress management because that is very likely the cause of all this.
It's happened before: I get myself stressed out and worked up, and that stress manifests into actual physical symptoms.
Not only that, I notice myself getting more and more phobic about All Things Medical, and that is going to be a huge hindrance to me as I get older. I may have been able to power through these things up to this point, but I think it's time to acknowledge that I need help managing stress, anxiety, and phobic thoughts.
Back home I updated Jameson on The Results.
I also got some good, or at least interesting news, involving a touring opportunity at the end of the year, which I'll share here once I have more information.
We made Hello Fresh pork bowls for dinner, and had a chill night.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday I felt anxious immediately upon waking up.
Over nothing. Or, over everything (see most recent friends only post)
So I created a BetterHelp account and paid for a months' worth of therapy.
Of course this isn't as good as "real" counseling, but it's what I can afford (sort of) without insurance.
In the afternoon I took pics of my steno machine and accessories for potential sale. So much for THAT covid pipe dream.
Then I made "Strawberry Fluffies", an easy four-ingredient cookie recipe that has been trending on TikTok but is credited to a recipe from 1976. The ingredients are strawberry cake mix, Cool Whip, 1 egg, and powdered sugar.
The resulting batter looked like bubble gum, or taffy!
The powdered sugar was definitely necessary for shaping the cookies, since the dough was incredibly sticky and gummy.
Into a 350°F oven for 10-12 minutes, voila, fluffy strawberry cookies!
They were quite good! And because you're using a lot less oil/butter than you would when making the cake mix, they're actually pretty low in calories too (approx 150 per cookie depending on how many you make). They have a soft cake texture, but also a chewy and crispy edge like a cookie. We liked these a lot, and want to make a chocolate version next time. Maybe even chocolate and strawberry, and swirl them together. Mmmmmm....
For dinner, Jameson made a Hello Fresh crunchy chicken breast with roasted carrots and mashed taters.
It was very yum.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday:
Breakfast, errands, trimming and fertilizing the banana trees in the sweltering heat.
As I was clearing the ground around the trees to lay down fertilizer, I noticed a new pup:
...and then another...and another...until I had uncovered FOUR of them beneath the two largest trees, all in different stages of growth!
The third-largest tree also has a pup, so there are a total of NINE banana plants. Sheesh!
I will probably give some away again (or get ambitious and sell them, but they wouldn't go for much tbh.)
I was only outside for maybe 20-30 minutes but was absolutely dripping sweat by the time I got back inside.
Jameson has caught my head cold :( We are both feeling rough and are just taking it easy.
I applied for more jobs and tried to distract myself from worrying about things I can't control.
He played Diablo IV.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, breakfast, practicing trombone, driving to the tailor to pick up my pants, grocery for ingredients for Saturday's dinner.
Trying to negotiate for a touring opportunity. Applying to more part-time jobs.
Taking a dip in the pool because it was boiling hot outside and the water was so inviting.
For dinner we ordered tacos from Chuy's and watched Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, which made me feel SO OLD. The main character, a 17-year-old girl, is SMOKING! INDOORS! And at work!! For the entire movie!! Not to mention antique items like Rolodexes on each desk, clunky cordless house phones, an "entertainment system" with a VCR and a huge box TV, and the shoulderpads in women's clothing, my god! So much that has gone the way of the dinosaur, but that was commonplace in my childhood. It was a fun nostalgic watch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, I felt restless and applied to some on-site jobs instead of from-home.
I guess the goal will be to have one or two part-time jobs, of any kind, for August.
I don't really know how to handle this upsetting job situation honestly. I'm just flailing at this point.
In the afternoon Jameson was working on a project for school, and asked to record me playing a little for one of his tracks!
I love when we get to work together on music stuff!
I was nervous (literally everything makes me nervous right now) but he was happy with the end result.
Here he is looking over the tracks. The block of blue tracks on the screen are my blatty trombone notes :p
For dinner I made easy mini pot pies.
Four ingredients: Pillsbury flaky biscuits, frozen mixed veggies, cooked chicken breast, and UNSALTED cream of chicken soup!
I was so happy to find unsalted cream of chicken! Jameson has Meniere's disease, so we try to keep salt low and being able to control the salt on this means we can add it to our regular lineup of dishes. This recipe could be modified in so many ways...I could do a beef bourguignon version, or a ham and cheese...lots of possibilities.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday. A special day.
Because as of July 23, 2023, Jameson and I have been together for TEN years!
We met when I joined the circus in 2012, he was a keyboardist and I was of course the trombonist.
Over the next year and a half, we developed some feelings for each other.
Eventually I screwed up my courage and asked Jameson out via text; or rather, I expressed my feelings to him and left it up to him to decide how to proceed. Because when you work on a tour, forming relationships can create unwanted drama or disrupt the work environment, and I didn't want to mess things up for either of us OR our coworkers.
He invited me to a nearby revolving sushi place, and I figured he was going to let me down gently.
But instead he sat down next to me and said, "I have been trying to figure out how to ask you out for months!!"
And the rest is history.
We've weathered circus life, the closing of the circus, illnesses, relocations, periods of separation and long-distance, surgeries, the pandemic, Florida, unemployment, and all sorts of things that life has thrown at us.
We've had great adventures and discoveries in food and travel and life, and days of absolutely nothing at all, and days of slogging away at work.
It's been fun and exciting, difficult and scary, intense and stressful, calm and quiet, among other things.
Of course we don't know what will happen next. Both of us are still kind of a mess post-pandemic...our careers in upheaval, and with little direction or stability in our lives. We try to create stability by eating dinner together and making time for walks and outings, but meanwhile so much is in turmoil and so much is unknown.
I'm always amazed when I realize how long we've been together. But it really is easy being with Jameson. He's got depressive issues that I very much wish were nonexistant; I've got anxiety issues that I can barely keep a lid on. But we muddle through, and I think a lot of that is because we are so mindful of each other; we give each other lots of space; we are there for each other any time no matter the physical distance; we support each other's passions and work and activities outside our relationship. It's my opinion that if you love someone, you'll never tie them down, make them compromise, or limit them to with your own wants and needs. And I think that because we give each other so much room to be ourselves, that's why our relationship has lasted so long, and been so wonderful :)
Anyway. Here are some pictures of Jameson and I.
Mostly from our circus days, but some of them are more recent.
It's Sunday morning as I'm typing this, and Jameson isn't up yet.
We didn't make any special plans: just air fryer wings and pizza for dinner, and probably a movie.
We hope to go for a walk in the afternoon if it's not broiling outside, and if it is, we'll swim instead.
The "celebration" this year, I guess, is that we are both alive, moderately healthy, and still together.
I feel lucky indeed!
