Friday Five
Jan. 17th, 2025 07:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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lenine2
1. Ten years ago, what did you think you would be doing now?
In 2015? Good lord...I was still in the circus! We would have just learned a new show since it was an odd year (Circus Xtreme) and we'd have had no idea that in two years we'd all be out of a job. So...I would've assumed I'd still be in the circus. Womp wooomp
2. Where do you think you will be five years from now?
The way things have suddenly escalated for me in a positive way with my musical career...and with a Trump presidency about to start...and approaching the age that my mother was when she died...I frankly have NO CLUE. I might become some kind of amazing in-demand trombonist. I might lose all of my gigs and end up working retail again. I could be run over by an irresponsible driver on I-4. At this point I can't even begin to guess what five years from now looks like, for me or any of us.
3. Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future?
I have a VERY hard time living in The Now. I'm in a near-constant state of impatience to see the next phase of my life take place, when I should be savoring the moment I'm in (right now is absolutely a prime example of that: I should be looking around in awe at getting to be one of the first performers in Epic Universe and instead all I can think about is whether I'm going on tour in June or not)
4. Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?
Yes, two things that I can think of.
1) I should have gone to my mother before she died, when I was told it was the last chance for me to speak with her. At the time I was at my dad's house, in the middle of the week and it wasn't normal visitation. For one thing I was terrified that this was actually happening, that she was actually GOING to die and that she was in pain and seeing her in that state was frightening and overwhelming. And for another, I was terrified of my dad and/or stepmom "punishing" me later for visiting her (they didn't imply that this would happen but under normal circumstances they didn't like her to have a minute more than she was due and arguments/anger resulted, and I was afraid of that.) I should have set all that aside and thought of HER and how this was her last chance to see ME, too, and she might have needed that, and not going may have hurt her. I can never take that back and it will rankle with me forever that I did that to her.
2) Before that, I should never have told my sister Kate that she might not be her father's biological daughter. Our mom had told me--I think I was 12 or 13--and I couldn't for the life of me understand why it mattered, and why everyone was being so secretive about it, and told Kate (who was only 8 or 10) right away. Of course she burst into tears and had a big emotional reaction, and it caused a massive blowup between our divorced parents. To my poor sister, it was a massive shift of everything she knew, and possibly ripped away from her her concept of Self, and all sorts of other psychological trauma that she should never have had to experience. To me, if our roles had been reversed I wouldn't have cared at all because our dad loved us, and lots of people were adopted or children of one parent but raised by another. So why should it matter? But at that young/selfish age I didn't consider that Kate might feel very differently about it, or that she might be too young to hear it. I wish I could take that back and keep my stupid mouth shut, and my sister might have had a different childhood if I hadn't been so thoughtless. Also, I can't remember why my mom told me. Perhaps she couldn't keep it to herself any more either.
5. If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?
IT IS WORTH IT. Don't give up. Don't let them wear you down. You already know what to do...keep going.
Hug your mother every moment that you can. Burn her into your brain.
Also buy stock in Apple and Amazon :p
lenine21. Ten years ago, what did you think you would be doing now?
In 2015? Good lord...I was still in the circus! We would have just learned a new show since it was an odd year (Circus Xtreme) and we'd have had no idea that in two years we'd all be out of a job. So...I would've assumed I'd still be in the circus. Womp wooomp
2. Where do you think you will be five years from now?
The way things have suddenly escalated for me in a positive way with my musical career...and with a Trump presidency about to start...and approaching the age that my mother was when she died...I frankly have NO CLUE. I might become some kind of amazing in-demand trombonist. I might lose all of my gigs and end up working retail again. I could be run over by an irresponsible driver on I-4. At this point I can't even begin to guess what five years from now looks like, for me or any of us.
3. Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future?
I have a VERY hard time living in The Now. I'm in a near-constant state of impatience to see the next phase of my life take place, when I should be savoring the moment I'm in (right now is absolutely a prime example of that: I should be looking around in awe at getting to be one of the first performers in Epic Universe and instead all I can think about is whether I'm going on tour in June or not)
4. Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?
Yes, two things that I can think of.
1) I should have gone to my mother before she died, when I was told it was the last chance for me to speak with her. At the time I was at my dad's house, in the middle of the week and it wasn't normal visitation. For one thing I was terrified that this was actually happening, that she was actually GOING to die and that she was in pain and seeing her in that state was frightening and overwhelming. And for another, I was terrified of my dad and/or stepmom "punishing" me later for visiting her (they didn't imply that this would happen but under normal circumstances they didn't like her to have a minute more than she was due and arguments/anger resulted, and I was afraid of that.) I should have set all that aside and thought of HER and how this was her last chance to see ME, too, and she might have needed that, and not going may have hurt her. I can never take that back and it will rankle with me forever that I did that to her.
2) Before that, I should never have told my sister Kate that she might not be her father's biological daughter. Our mom had told me--I think I was 12 or 13--and I couldn't for the life of me understand why it mattered, and why everyone was being so secretive about it, and told Kate (who was only 8 or 10) right away. Of course she burst into tears and had a big emotional reaction, and it caused a massive blowup between our divorced parents. To my poor sister, it was a massive shift of everything she knew, and possibly ripped away from her her concept of Self, and all sorts of other psychological trauma that she should never have had to experience. To me, if our roles had been reversed I wouldn't have cared at all because our dad loved us, and lots of people were adopted or children of one parent but raised by another. So why should it matter? But at that young/selfish age I didn't consider that Kate might feel very differently about it, or that she might be too young to hear it. I wish I could take that back and keep my stupid mouth shut, and my sister might have had a different childhood if I hadn't been so thoughtless. Also, I can't remember why my mom told me. Perhaps she couldn't keep it to herself any more either.
5. If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?
IT IS WORTH IT. Don't give up. Don't let them wear you down. You already know what to do...keep going.
Hug your mother every moment that you can. Burn her into your brain.
Also buy stock in Apple and Amazon :p
no subject
Date: 2025-01-18 01:48 pm (UTC)I did go see my father, but he was unconscious and didn't know I was there. So, I doubt it mattered to him. But, it did matter to me.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-18 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-18 08:02 pm (UTC)Absolutely feel you on the five years thing :D I had some FB memories come up the other day of January 2020, just before events took a significant turn...
no subject
Date: 2025-01-19 12:06 am (UTC)My dad LOVED my little sister, she was definitely the stereotypical Youngest Child and "daddy's girl." He knew that she might not be his (our mom had an affair) and it did not matter one whit to him. And therefore in my naive child-brain I figured, "He loves her so much that this information doesn't matter at all." But I was wrong.