goofball on a train

As promised, pictures from my walk on Sunday.

A locust molt found hanging on a dividing wall.


A cardinal feather, from a female or juvenile.


That's it, haha.

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Monday I got up semi-early for work, and there wasn't anything for me to do, so worked on Foodie Finds and mixed up the ricotta filling for stuffed shells for dinner. Eventually I was given some work to do, did that and had therapy. We talked about my frustrations with work and not being able to contribute to the household, and I was able to explain myself a little better re: what it means for me to be a professional musician, and why I'm not willing to give that up just yet. I'd honestly like to get off the topic, but it's my own fault for griping about it and it IS a big point of stress in my life at this time. Anyway, it brought up another important thing which is how defensive I get about certain topics. So it was good that we talked about that even if it made me kinda huffy. I acknowledged my huffiness at least. And have promised to actively work on how I talk about myself, as a part of the process that leads to being defensive.Which I was ready to do in the moment, but as you will see below, as the week went on I went full-tilt in the opposite direction.

Also, he ended the session by telling me that I need to know and hear that I am loved and cared for.
Which immediately makes me burst into tears if anyone ever says it in my direction.
Because the last people to say those words to me and mean it are either all dead, or are different people now.
When the only person that you hear "You are loved" from is the guy you're paying to say it, that's sad.
But hearing it at all is enough to instantly cut me to the core.
There, now you know my emotional weakness.

As work wound down I threw together a no-knead bread recipe, which is just flour, yeast, water, and salt.
You barely even mix it, then let it sit on the counter for "2 to 3 hours" which in Florida is 1.5 hours.
Then you put a Dutch oven in the oven and let it get super hot, 450°F for 30 minutes.
Shape your loaf, drop it in the Dutch oven, close the lid and let it cook for 30 minutes, then 12 with the lid off.




Tada, bread. Nice and crusty and warm.
When that was done I made the stuffed shells.


With a side salad it was all very nice and Italian. Jameson put Boursin cheese on his bread, how FANCY.

After dinner he had to go to a rehearsal, and there was a big severe thunderstorm that blew through so I was worried for him, but he was able to set up and return home safely.

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Tuesday I got up early to work and pretty much worked all day.
Jameson got more good news about the Jollywood gig: they want him to MD it!
That means he'll get paid more, and also be involved in most if not all rehearsals.
The best part is that they mentioned the possibility of him doing this gig in the future as well.
Future gigs! Every musician's dream :)

I'm extremely happy for him of course! But on the selfish front, his success threw my failures into stark contrast as I plugged away at my $12/hr data entry job. Yes, I get to go on tour in a few months, but what you may not understand is that Jameson is going to make more than I earn in an entire year from that ONE holiday Disney gig. Plus he has a full time job. I am losing money this summer, so whatever I earn from the tour will just be replacing what was lost; I won't get ahead.

This made me think more about finding something to become certified in, perhaps while on tour.
Because frankly I just don't know what else to do. I want to keep touring and/or performing professionally, but if I'm just going to lose the money anyway and then not be valued anywhere else, there's no point. It's very disheartening. I know that Jameson has felt this same way for a long time, stuck at his dead end job, which is why I'm relieved and happy that he's suddenly got great gigs! But the difference in our situations is that he at least has full time work. He gets paid a living wage. He doesn't have to watch his bank account dwindle down because he's only worth $12 per hour, like me, a piece of garbage. If Jameson kicked me out tomorrow, I would be in absolute poverty despite all the money I've saved. It doesn't make me feel good.

I have to pay someone to tell me I'm loved, but I can't afford it. Lol.

Anyway, at some point I had to stop working because despite being garbage I'm also a human being who needs to eat and go outside once in a while. It was hot and humid and there were big heavy clouds in the sky, but the storms were not coming my way.


On this walk I found a broken wasp or hornet nest...


...and a bagworm cocoon. I don't think I've seen one of these before, it's pretty cool.
I am finding many good things on my walks lately.


Back home I relaxed as much as I could, which wasn't very much, and went around bookmarking types of certifications to look into.

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I got up at 6:30am to work. I'm currently doing an upload project for the TSOLife app, which offers games and activities for residents (as well as the usual analytics side for the nursing home staff). The activities/games are just things like crossword puzzles, or recipes, or little cupcake toppers for when it's someone's birthday...arts and crafts projects...you get the idea. What I'm doing is basically populating at database with activities, one activity at a time; for example if there are fifty crossword pages, I'm uploading each page as an individual activity, plus instructions, a description, tags, categories, images, etc.

I like this kind of work better than processing the intake forms because it's easier to get into a flow and pattern when you're uploading 50 of the same thing over and over. It makes the time go faster. Which is why I easily got 7 hours in today.

Jameson had a performance at Disney again tonight but we got HelloFresh, and one of the meals had fish so I felt it best to cook it tonight (he's not going to be here for dinner tomorrow night either.) It was yummy but would have been better with company.

In other news, my sister--the one who is an OR nurse and lives in our hometown with her husband and child--made an offer on a house, and got it! And it's not just any house, it's a historic house! Very very beautiful. I'd share the listing but don't want the whole random internet knowing where she'll live (it's bad enough that people might reverse search this image. Don't do that!!!)

The house:


The inside is gorgeous. Hardwood everywhere, original ceilings and fireplaces and replica wallpaper. I am so happy for her!!
Honestly, to me, this is a castle. I will never be able to afford something like this.

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Currently it's Wednesday night and I'm typing this up in the quiet of the house, doing a load of laundry.
I've just bookmarked a bunch of sites about certifying for digital reporting and/or transcription.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to pay to get results, to get value.

"You have value outside of your job!" my therapist says.

Yeah? Prove it. Because I haven't seen any evidence of that.
I have to pay someone to tell me I'm loved. What does that say about my value?
I have to pay (once again) for courses and certifications that may-or-may-not give me value in the workplace. What does that say about my value to society?
I have to pay $180 on Friday to spend fifteen minutes with a doctor, probably so they can tell me to eat antacids and work on reducing stress. What does that say about the value of my physical self?

If I had value, I'd just be valued.
I wouldn't have to constantly pay someone to attribute me some value.

Whatever. I'm in a really bad place this week. But at least my sweetheart and my sister are rocking it! Good on 'em!

Thursday working, and then I made the 1930s peanut butter bread from Baking Yesteryear for the guys over at Warburton.

It turned out fine, just didn't get very tall, which I hate. I know quick breads don't get very tall anyway, but I don't understand why mine always seem even flatter than is typical. The smell was fantastic as you can guess (think peanut butter cookies) and Jameson was groaning about how he wanted a loaf, so I will make us one tomorrow. This time I'm throwing an egg in there, that should fluff things up.

In the evening I went for a neighborhood walk.
The sun is setting a little earlier, it can't be much earlier than usual but I'm always surprised to notice the change.

I decided to take a page from summersgate's book and bring you along on my walk.

( go on a walk with me )

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For once I had met my 30 hour minimum on Thursday, so I didn't have to work on Friday!
But I did get up at 7:30 still, and ate breakfast, and enjoyed some "me time" before driving the hour-and-fifteen to Warburton again.

I brought the peanut butter bread and it was much appreciated.
The receptionist and some of the craftsmen from the back came out to eat some, toasted and with salted butter.
We ate and sipped coffee while they re-laquered my trombone mouthpiece. It was a good visit :)

From there I drove to The Loop which is a shopping plaza partway back.
There's a Fresh Market in there. I treated myself to their grocery store sushi and checked to see if they had gummy candy corn (they didn't but it's early), then went to the Yankee Candle in the same area because I had a buy 1/get 1 coupon and Jameson mentioned wanting a vanilla candle. After lots of sniffing, settled on a smoked vanilla (which I suspect I will like more than him) and vanilla creme brulee (which I suspect he will like more than me). Then a stop at Publix for groceries for the week.

Back home Jameson was in some mood because he had to buy a tux for Candlelight.
The hope was that they'd provide outfits...you KNOW Disney has a whole warehouse somewhere dedicated to employee uniform tuxes. But no, so his choices were to rent a tux for three separate performances (at $200 per rental) or buy one ($600) so he bought one. It's probably good to have a tux in your closet anyway, but when you've made it past the age of 40 without having to buy one I guess it's hard. I'd be mad too. That takes a huge chunk of the money he'd be making on these gigs...in fact, more than half of his pay will probably go toward the outfit for the event.

So I had him smell the vanilla candles (my predictions were correct about what he'd like) and then made the peanut butter bread again which made the house smell delicious and put him back in an "ok" mood. Poor guy.


I have to admit that I cheated on this loaf; I did two things to make it rise higher.
Thing 1: used a smaller pan!
Thing 2: added an egg!

This quick-bread recipe is from the Depression era, when some ingredients (EGGS and BUTTER) were scarce. And so innovative housewives looked in their pantries and found substitutes; in this case peanut butter, because it has both protein and fat that can take the place of eggs and butter. But peanut butter doesn't have nearly the protein content of an egg.
And this ain't the Depression. I got eggs.

We enjoyed still-warm slices with an Italian dark chocolate peach spread that I got last week using a gift card.
It was incredibly good.

In the evening we watched two episodes of Only Murders In The Building, then Jameson went to a game night with his friends and I stayed home to vacuum and practice trombone and relax (I mean, TRY to relax.)

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I woke up an absolute mess on Saturday, heart racing and very anxious.
No idea why, perhaps there was an intense stress dream?
But it took all morning to even calm partway down. Not fun.

But I felt better when Kim, the Warburton receptionist, sent these adorable pictures of Moe the squirrel enjoying a small piece of my peanut butter bread! A squirrel likes something that I made...I am proud :D


Then breakfast, then outside to finally separate out a new banana pup that's grown big enough to stand on its own.
For the first time, I had to kill the other pups. There are too many of them now, and I don't need any more banana trees especially if they're all pouring energy into making clones instead of fruit. I feel bad but that's gardening for ya.

As I was cutting off dead banana leaves, I discovered a surprise!


These are two-striped walkingstick bugs.
The female is 2.5 inches long; I was startled to suddenly be facing such a large insect.
The male is much smaller and rides on her back (which is why these are often called "devilriders".)


They are very slow-moving and do not bite, but they can squirt a stinky chemical in self-defense that can irritate your eyes.
So I was very gentle and kept my distance. It was cool to find something new! Always bring your phone when gardening :)

Back inside I goofed off and ate lunch and practiced trombone.
I get tired more quickly on the larger trombone, but hopefully that will not be an issue soon.

Jameson and I went for a dip in the pool in the afternoon, which was nice as it's still very hot here.
He went to a show with friends (over an hour away and it's a show I'm not interested in so I declined) so I watched anime and worked on Foodie Finds and drank the last of my sake.

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Sunday I got up early to work.
It went fine, I think.
Trombone practice in the afternoon, now I'm really buckling down on muscle memory so I can be ultra-comfortable with the part by the time the tour starts. And then of course they'll make changes and cuts and I'll have to learn all over again :p

It was a very slow day as Sundays often are, Jameson watched the Cubs game and I got very sleepy around 3:30 and had to struggle for my last hour of work. We ordered pizza and after dinner I tried to go for a walk, but it started raining in the first five minutes so I came back. It's also getting darker significantly earlier.

I guess Tropical Storm Idalia may nip us this week?
It will be nice to get some rain.

So much for the dramatic, nostalgic twists and turns of fate!

They sent me the wrong model of trombone!

It's still a Getzen Eterna, just the original model.
So it was still a lovely thing to pull it out of the box and see that familiar rose brass bell :)

But I could tell right away that it was not the new version.
No removable leadpipe, no silver tuning pipe, no variegated rotor, and nowhere on the horn did it say "Novus".

I'm disappointed, but called the store and hopefully they'll get back to me soon (the person I who sold me the horn was off today.)
Mostly I'm annoyed that no one LOOKED at the trombone before sending it off.
Typical.

This makes me doubt that they actually have the new model in stock.
Which means I'll probably be sending this horn back and getting a refund.
But it was nice to see it again, and after I talk to the salesperson tomorrow, maybe I'll play it a little before sending it back if that doesn't up my restocking fee.

Monday, six hours of Nursing Home Job, during which I received corrections on most of the work I've submitted up to this point. I thanked my supervisor but ignored it for now; a bunch of us are doing a mass data correction and they've just added at least 100 more accounts to that, so I won't get to look at my work on individual profiles all week.

Otherwise, did some casual trombone window shopping and air-tromboned my My Fair Lady book.
I have some good trombone-buying options lined up, but Florida doesn't have many professional instrument shops so if I want to try anything I'll have to buy it, then return it with shipping and restocking fees if I don't like it. That makes it a lot harder to commit.

Therapy was very good. This guy is great and I'm glad I switched to him.
I knew for sure, today, that he is the right one to help me when he didn't open with, "So how's the weather where you are?" or "Did you do anything fun this week?" but instead said, "Hi. Give me a spectrum of what your week was like, high points and low points and neutral. Then I want to hear more about how your dad died."

YES, THANK GOD, let's have an actual therapy session!

He did not waste any time, dove right in and asked very pointed questions about my past and how I experience things and a whole spectrum of personal information that he says will help make a plan for addressing my anxiety, hypervigilance, phobic thoughts, and physical symptoms of stress. I could not be more thrilled that we're not dicking around with "five things you can smell" or whatever. He's asking lots of questions to get the biggest picture he can, then we'll have to pick an angle from which to try some things out. And of course this will take significant time, I do NOT expect a quick fix. A lot of my habits and thought patterns were established during formative years...hypervigilance in particular has been my entire life because my parents divorced when I was five. But that's a story you didn't sign up for.

Ultimately I very much feel like I lucked into the right therapist for me.
Even if it doesn't work out, I absolutely feel like someone is in my corner, for the first time in an extremely long time.

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Tuesday I woke up extra-early to try and squeeze in work before driving to Warburton, but just my luck there was an internet outage in our neighborhood. Still I logged 20 minutes using my phone as a hotspot before it was time to go.

It took an hour to get there. I've been here before and the shop is just as I remember it.


Warburton Music is primarily a trumpet mouthpiece supplier, so the largest part of their building is reserved for lathes and metal milling machines and engravers and such. The "front" is not fancy at all: a reception desk, a wall lined with boxes of shiny mouthpieces, some wire racks and tables displaying their other merch (practice materials and their house-made pinewood mutes, mostly), and some tables and chairs in the center of the room where you can drag your instruments and your pile of mouthpieces and go to town.

Pretty sure the disco ball has always been there...I don't know, and I don't ask!


It was a little messy because they're getting some newer, bigger, better machines, so everything is in disarray as they make room and shuffle things around. The receptionist, Kim, apologized for the mess. I told her I've worked in music retail f-o-r-e-v-e-r and that if it's not messy it's probably not a very good instrument shop :)

Kim is a trumpet player herself, and assisted me with narrowing down mouthpieces (trumpet and trombone mouthpieces follow a similar sizing scheme even though they are on different sizing scales, if that makes sense.) We started with a one-piece mouthpiece, which I found too deep, so we tried something more shallow and that was better.

Then I moved on to different shanks, and quickly found one that was a GREAT combo with the cup I'd chosen.
I know you're not brass musicians, you reading this, so here's a short article that explains the parts of a brass mouthpiece, what they do and why they're important. Every musician is different and needs different things.

My situation is:

- I've been playing a small-bore trombone since 2012 (that's ten years straight, or eight if you don't count the pandemic.)
- I'm going to have to play a large-bore trombone for My Fair Lady, for the first time in about a decade.
- Because I've played a smaller trombone for so long, I am no longer comfortable on the larger trombone.

There are many ways to remedy this situation, the main one is just to practice the larger trombone until it feels comfortable again. But I have also changed as a player in the decade that I was playing the smaller horn. So my goal is to accommodate the player I am now and work toward what I want to be, which is a player who is comfortable on both of these trombones. To do that, in addition to plain old practice, I need to bridge the gap between my equipment sizes to make it easier to switch back and forth with less adjustment.

The mouthpiece cup that I chose was midway between the size I use on the small trombone and the large one.
The shank has a taper that gives me the backpressure and air support you'd expect when playing a small trombone, while giving me the open sound and fullness that I need to fill up a large trombone. It is a huge improvement over the mouthpiece I had been using on my large trombone, which was a damaged off-brand thing that I dug out of a bargain bin in Kansas City in 2017. Definitely the first thing that needed to change, before I go around blowing money on all-new trombones!

I was very satisfied with my finds, and am excited to work with them and get a better playing experience!

Before I hit the road again Kim wanted to give me a tour of the shop. I've been to Warburton before, but the machinery is always deeply interesting and the smell of oil and metal shavings and brass polish are nostalgic to me.

I said hello to Bob, the big CNC lathe that custom-shapes mouthpieces for Warburton.
(Bob is named after Bob Giardinelli.)


This machine (I don't know if it had a name!) was making a rotor.
Here is a photo of it while not in operation, and for video while it's running, CLICK HERE.


There are lots of machines back there, and I didn't want to be a tourist taking pics of all their stuff for their competitors to take a gander at, but enjoyed seeing the engraving station and the trumpet construction zone and the chemical dip curtained off with big rubber flaps, because caustic acid and cyanide.

Then Kim introduced me to her squirrel!
(CLICK HERE to see him)

This is her pet squirrel Moe, who was one of several she rescued after a hurricane.
Some of the squirrels died, and some returned to the wild, but one refused to leave and just kept coming back.
So she kept him! He seemed very healthy and energetic. I watched as she fed him sweet potato slices and frozen peas (she usually gives him fresh snap peas but had forgotten them at home, and keeps frozen peas at the shop for such "emergencies".) What a great mascot to have! He was super cute, though I felt bad because as a raptor-and-reptile person, I view squirrels less as lovable beings and more as food items for other animals.

It was a great visit, and although I blew a lot of money (mouthpieces are NOT cheap especially good ones like Warburton's) it was completely worth it. Now I can make better progress adapting to the larger trombone. AND I got to hang out with a squirrel!

Back home, a photo of my new mouthpiece (I got two shanks because I couldn't decide between them and I think the larger one will serve me better a few months from now when I've readjusted):


I scarfed lunch, caught Jameson up on my doings, and got to work at Nursing Home Job (the internet was back.) I had known visiting Warburton would set back my hours, that's why I worked on Sunday. I managed to log about three hours before my brain needed to do something else.

Also, I DID actually purchase a new trombone today...but as I mentioned earlier, this is the only way I'll be able to try trombones, by buying them and then returning them (which will cost shipping and a restocking fee.) I am probably only going to try this one horn, I can't afford to try many this way. Still, it's exciting!

Later in the day I made HelloFresh for us, then while Jameson went to Target for some things I went for a walk.
Today was the first day in over a week where we didn't have a heat advisory.
It was still hot out, but "normal" hot. What a relief. I hope it stays that way, or just keeps getting cooler from here.

The rest of my night kind of sucked because I felt incredibly anxious for no specific reason.
Probably from staring at my computer all day, and from worrying about money because of buying a trombone.
Several times I was on the verge of a panic attack, and my guts felt bad.
But I can't do anything when this happens except try to ignore it and try to stay calm.

I can understand why so many people are on anxiety meds. I could have used some tonight.

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Not much ahead for the weekend I think, just more work and hopefully the new trombone showing up before the weekend or by early next week. Jameson and I are going out somewhere on Saturday, I forget where, but it should be a nice break from the routine.

Monday, being the 3rd, I noticed that many of my friends had to work.

Well, Independence Day is only one day after all. Lame, but there it is.

I felt "ok" after breakfast--this is only my second day on the Prilosec and it can take four days to fully work--just had a little bit of cramping/burning when I ate raspberries, and after finishing my coffee (which I made weaker than usual and sipped slowly and carefully.) We will see how things are by Wednesday, and that will determine whether I'm doing a $$$$ CT scan.

After breakfast I decided to bake a loaf of bread.
I picked a SUPER simple recipe with only six ingredients and no Tangzhong method: flour, sugar, salt, water, butter, yeast.
Throw it all in a bowl and mix, then knead.

Let rise, bake. Voila, "a bread".


Turns out, I didn't have enough bread flour so had to use majority wheat flour.
As a result the loaf is a bit dense, but the crumb is nice and even. It also blew out the side a little bit, but that's ok.
The texture is more crumbly too because of the lower protein in wheat flour + no Tangzhong.
All of this was pretty much expected. It baked up nice and it's edible so it's a good first loaf after essentially two years of no baking.

And no matter how bread turns out, the house smells FANTASTIC afterward :)

Practiced some trombone but didn't take myself too seriously with it.
In the evening Jameson and I watched Evil Dead Rise. Jameson likes "hokey" horror but I'm not really into it other than to make snide comments about the usual tropes (car won't start, victims suddenly forget how to run away, etc). It was fun to watch, though, and there were some cute references to other great horror films.

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Today is the 4th of July! Independence Day!

I don't care!

Not surprisingly, we are not feeling very patriotic. I'm sitting here with a mildly burning stomach knowing that if it doesn't magically resolve itself by tomorrow I'll have to get a costly out-of-pocket CT scan. OR I could ignore it and hope it isn't or doesn't become something serious. Because there is no ACTUAL HEALTH CARE for someone like me.

I'm wondering how much of these physical symptoms are being caused by pure anxiety and nerves.

Anyway, I am no longer incapacitated by my stomach cramping up, but I do still feel uncomfortable burning after breakfast, after dinner, and sometimes in the middle of the day too. The clinician said to schedule the CT "on Wednesday if you don't see improvement". I mean, there's SOME improvement?

We spent the 4th playing video games, reading books, swimming in the pool, talking, and making the Chicago dog baked potatoes with sweet corn. Well, I did that last bit anyway. They were tasty! It's just a baked potato with a Sabrett dog (or whatever you want to use), lettuce and tomato, pickles, sport peppers, celery salt, onion, and a honey mustard dressing. You can also add whatever condiments you want of course.


The sweet corn required the least effort and was soooooo good. It's been a long time since either of us have had it, and I don't know about Jameson but for me it brought nostalgia and was a good "memory food" for the 4th. And interestingly, none of this hurt my stomach at all.

At night our neighborhood erupted with fireworks. Someone was setting them off in the middle of the street outside our house, so I went out to watch a bit and applaud (applause = "I'm not here to be a bitchy Karen and call the cops"). We went to bed early because we both have long days tomorrow.

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(Blah blah disclaimer, this is all my own thought and opinion and does not reflect the views of Disney or any of it's affiliates, etc etc)

We were both up at 6am on Wednesday, Jameson to load in at the Dr. Phillips Center for Spamalot, and me to go to Disney Traditions!

I drove out to Disney University, which is just a big office building used for all sorts of training. There were a lot of people filing in, and everyone was greeted with Disney smiles. I felt bewildered by all the courtesy; I started to queue and then was called directly over (when was the last time a customer service person didn't scream, "I CAN HELP THE NEXT GUEST", but instead made eye contact and said, "Come over here and I'll get you started!" For me it's been a LONG time.)

I was whisked through sign-in, given a promotional bag for Disney's credit union, and found myself swept up in a little creek of humanity into a cafeteria, which is where we all waited to be called for our training sessions. It was quite noisy in there, mostly because a large group of African folks were being gathered and receiving instruction/doing call-and-response with a Disney castmember speaking an African language. I suspect they're part of Disney's Cultural Representative Program.

Soon enough we were called. My training group was huge, something like 60-70 people.
We sat at round tables and got bombarded with all sorts of information, all centered around Disney's "Five Keys": Safety, Courtesy, Inclusion, Show, and Efficiency. Inclusion is a new "key", and a much needed one for every employer out there, frankly.

As you might expect, we can't go into detail about what training is like and couldn't take pictures or anything like that.
I'll just say that it was a full 8-hour day, we covered a lot of information and our trainers were awesome. Both were from Pennsylvania so I was biased toward them anyway :p At one point we got to hop on a bus and visit Main Street, Magic Kingdom, and Tomorrowland, but it was ridiculously hot (heat index on the pavement was around 115°F!) and a storm was moving in so we were probably only out there for 30-40 minutes. Of special note is the fact that the "Disney Look"--Disney's dress code--has been loosened. You can now have visible arm tattoos, beards, longer hair, and some more costume flexibility. This is probably partially the result of COVID, and partially the result of Inclusion. Now people who have tattoos, or who look a certain way for a specific reason, may be able to apply to work, whereas before they could have been sort of passively excluded by the dress code requirements.

At the end of training, in rather dramatic and ceremonial fashion, we were presented with our name tags, followed shortly by our Castmember ID badges. Several people got emotional when receiving theirs; lots of people in this world dream of working for Disney, but it can be VERY difficult to actually get a job there in any department. I am proof of that. I've been applying to work for Disney, in every capacity from Custodial to Corporate, for twenty years.

And here it is. Proof that I am employed by Disney.


Even though I’m just a substitute musician, being a Disney employee is a goal I’ve had since I started playing the trombone.

Some people got here much faster, or advanced higher.
I got here in my own time, and I got here at all.

If I do get called to perform for Candlelight this Christmas, I will do my very best.
But whether I do or not, either way I am thrilled to have gotten this far.

After training I gathered my things and drove downtown to the Dr. Phillips Center, where Encore was loading in with Spamalot.
I was late, but the orchestra hadn't even tuned yet so it was all good.
Tootsie performed at the Dr. Phil last year. It felt odd to be in the pit again, with six or seven times the number of people crammed down there, and me on the opposite side. And I walked backstage and knew exactly where to go, and saw my name on the wall with the Tootsie tag. How strange.

The pit:


Sound check was fine but it was SO loud down there, by the time we got out I had a blazing headache.
Then I made a very poor choice and chugged half of a protein shake with my dose of Omeprazole for the night, and immediately had stomach cramps and nausea. To be clear, this was likely not from the shake itself, but from slamming it into an empty stomach with a medication that impedes digestion. The headache (which quickly became a painful and nausea-inducing migraine) also did not help. Which meant I spent the rest of my night on the floor with my eyes closed while Jameson watched The Office, then we went to bed early.

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Thursday, I got up early because I had another Disney training session.
I was happy to realize within the first few bites of breakfast that my stomach was not going to give me any trouble, but it did feel a little raw so I consciously made myself eat more slowly than usual (I DO tend to gulp down food at times and will need to work on unlearning that behavior.) Eating slowly, my stomach actually felt a lot better and I was able to finish a whole cup of coffee, which I haven't been able to do all week.

Packed a little nonperishable lunch and headed out around 9am.
This one was safety and PPE-based, and it was about four hours of safety and informational videos.

When that was over I had just about an hour at home to pack myself a dinner and take a breather before we had to head downtown for sound check and rehearsal. We were supposed to do a full run at 8pm, but for whatever reason Production dragged their feet so hard that we didn't even start until 9:30. The whole day was a lot of sitting around for me, between Disney PPE training and rehearsal.

By the time we got home and in bed it was 12:30. My stomach had been fine for the entire day, even after scarfing down my dinner at rehearsal without thinking.

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Friday, we both woke up slightly later than usual.
I felt fairly normal after eating breakfast, just a slight acidic feeling.

I've gone ahead and scheduled a CT scan for Tuesday, and a GI consultation for the following Tuesday.
Turns out the CT scan is only between $200-$300, which is a price I'm willing to pay out of pocket to make sure this isn't something serious.

Reminder that my mom discovered she had stage IV pancreatic cancer at the age of 42, and she was dead four months later.
I'm 39, and pancreatic cancer is NOT easy to catch. Even if this stomach-acid-thing is something minor or unrelated, this whole experience is an excuse to have a look in the abdominal area for ANYTHING unusual. So I'll take it.

Anyway, I decided to take a walk before lunch because it was 90°F with a heat index of 95°F, and while that's awfully uncomfortable it's probably the best we're going to see all week. On my walk I saw a Cooper's hawk, a turtle in a pond, and a white ibis who let me get very close because he was intent on hunting lizards in the newly-cut grass.

The rest of the day was calm and quiet until it was time for rehearsal.
It was a dress rehearsal with press and a small audience, so we wore our concert blacks.
Once again, everything was late late late so we didn't start the dress run until 9pm (it was supposed to start at 8pm).
I felt bad for the audience, but this is also typical of Encore so I think the late start wasn't totally unexpected.

We didn't get home until 1am, and my stomach was a bit of a wreck mainly because it was empty, but still nowhere near as bad as it was earlier in the week.

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Saturday morning, nice and rainy and dreary.
Despite it being the rainy season it's been pretty dry in this area, we really do need the rain, and the overcast skies are a blessed break from the sun and awful heat we've had all week.

After breakfast I went to the radiology place to get my contrast for the CT, then to the store for Prilosec and groceries.
Lunch, and a lot of nothing. It stayed overcast and a "cool" 90°F, and I found that soothing to the innermost parts of my soul.

We drove to the theatre for opening night, hours early in order to "run some things".
Once again Production was considered themselves to be the priority and trumped all of the time, so we verbally went over transitions and got to play through a few rough spots, but that was it before we had bow rehearsals for the actors and a group photo to take and finally the audience was let into the theatre.

I was surprised at how many people actually showed up. It was nearly a full house, even the balcony was partially sold!
Backstage, we had a cute gift of piles of candy along with a message from Clay (Director):


I played to the best of my ability in the cramped pit...the main obstacles that I have are 1) I CANNOT find good posture when we're packed in like sardines, and that makes is uncomfortable to play my instrument, 2) the cymbals are literally one inch from my left ear so I have to put notes in my book to put in an earplug at certain points in the show, which distracts from actually playing music, and 3) we are so cramped that it is difficult to reach my mutes when I need to, so I'm having to skip a lot of mute changes.

But no one in the audience knows about any of this, and they laughed and cheered and seemed to have a wonderful time (playing comedy shows is the BEST!) After the show I followed Jameson to the lobby so he could greet his friends, and as a result I overheard many people wishing the show were running for a full week, not just two days. I totally agree. The props and scene work are amazing, and everyone has been working so hard, only for it to end after two performances. Doesn't seem right.

Some pictures, for context (most are courtesy Encore):




A pic of Jameson and I with one of his friends post-show (I love her cute skirt!)


Jameson was down about his performance, and the overall fact that he doesn't take joy from working on these shows any more. Part of that is his own mindset (negativity and self-depreciation currently), but the other part is that he gets very little public recognition for the FOUR MONTHS of work that he's poured into this production. Clay's name is on the program as the director, Clay gets a great deal of credit and attention...and I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, too. But it was Jameson, not Clay, who rehearsed the choir, rehearsed the orchestra, worked through cues and cuts and samples and tracking, for months and months, because Clay had to work (and yes Jameson was working full time while doing all of this as well.) As Jameson puts it, it's disappointing and disheartening. I would add "demeaning", to have to stand on the sidelines after putting in all of that work hoping for any kind of recognition, while Clay receives basically all of the media accolades. Clay is Jameson's good friend, and I wish for once that he'd remember to defer a large chunk of the credit to Jameson, not just verbally backstage but also in PUBLIC and in MEDIA STATEMENTS. But it's too late for that on this show, and this isn't the first time it's happened either.

I don't know. I just hate to see the person that I love disheartened, when he should be proud. Brushed aside, when he should be lifted up for all of the work that he's done. It seems very not right to me. And it put a big damper on the evening for both of us.

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Sunday, we are back to scalding hot temps and full sun out there.
I am typing this up and arguing with myself about going for a walk. I SHOULD, but it's gonna be SO GROSS.

(She did not, in fact, go for a walk.)

I repotted a plant that I've been meaning to repot, and read Saga comics, and goofed off online.

When it was time for the show, we went.
It went well, though the audience was a bit smaller and personally I thought there were more mistakes than the previous night (this is what a lot of musicians call "the second show phenomenon".) Overall I thought it went really well, once again it was a good crowd and after the show there were many friends to greet in the audience. This time it was more people that I actually knew, so we had some good conversations and I really felt welcomed back to Orlando :)

It was "load out", so I waited while Jameson packed up his things and then we hauled it to the parking garage.
There will probably be a cast party but a date hasn't been announced yet.

And, that's it! Spamalot is done.

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Now it's Monday, and I'm nervous, so my tummy hurts again.
Tomorrow I have the CT scan. Any medical procedure pretty much makes me nervous.
But it'll be good to get some answers.

I'm hoping for "You need to work on being less anxious" or "See that? That's an ulcer."

Plant update!

Jameson sent some more pictures on Sunday night.

The vanilla orchid has decided to go ahead and bloom without me T_T
That bud on the left there has bloomed already, which means the others are right behind it.


I told Jameson that if he remembers, he should try to stick his head out there to catch it blooming on Monday morning.
Vanilla flowers only bloom for one day, for a few hours, and then they wilt and die.

And this morning to my surprise, he sent another picture.
Turns out I was right, it DID bloom. And he got to see it!



He said he couldn't smell it (allergies) but I think the smell would have been faint anyway.
Vanilla orchids cannot pollinate themselves, although each flower does have pollen and a stamen.
And there is only one specific bee species on the planet capable of pollinating vanilla.
That, and the years-long process of curing the beans, is why vanilla is so dang expensive.

Here's a diagram of manual vanilla pollination, if you're interested. You literally have to rip the flower open.


I wasn't going to ask Jameson to do this.
Orchid bees do live in Florida, so there is a small possibility that one could have bumbled by and pollinated the flower.
But I won't hang my hat on it.
It's enough that we got flowers at all, after two years of waiting! That's incredible!

The bananas are looking good, they are noticeably larger anyway.


I badly wish that it would rain.
I sent Jameson some money for the water bill, along with another request to dump a bucket of water at the base of the tree.
Not to count my bananas before they're grown, but so far I want to make banana chips and banana ice cream for sure.

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If I got two hours of sleep last night I'd be surprised.
It's been difficult sleeping in this hotel anyway, but knowing I had to be up around 5am made falling asleep much harder!

Thankfully it was a direct flight to Fort Myers, but it was a pretty bumpy one so not fun for motion sick, panic-prone me.
But everything was ultimately fine, except my stupid nerves.
We got to the hotel WAY before 3pm so a lot of our rooms weren't clean yet, and many of us ended up waiting around.
After a while I walked to Jing Du Buffet because I love me a good China Buffet!



I "only" got these two plates, but the fun of a buffet for me is not in "getting my money's worth" by cramming quantities of food down my gullet, but rather in getting to eat like twenty different things at one time. This was a really good buffet within easy walking distance and it's going to be hard not to go back before the end of our week here.

When I got back rooms still weren't ready so I air-tromboned my audition music in the lobby and chatted with other cast and crew.
We eventually got keys around 3pm, and let me tell you guys something: the snooty, aesthetic-obsessed, 4-star Angad Arts hotel in St. Louis could learn something about cleanliness and functionality from humble old Crowne Plaza.

For the first time in a month--a MONTH!--I won't have to use an ironing board as a table.
There isn't dust pouring out of filthy air vents, or layers of human hair in the carpet, because someone here is ACTUALLY doing cleaning and maintenance. Bonus, the fridge works AND it's big. Gosh I'm so happy!

If there's one thing I've learned to loathe on tour, it's pretentious overpriced hotels that put aesthetics before basic human needs.
The Angad Arts offered color-themed rooms and modern art sculptures on the nightstands so that guests could "manifest an emotion" during their stay.

OMG you f*ckers, how about manifesting A TABLE.

TL;DR I appreciated this plain, functional hotel room very much!
I did my usual grocery shopping and found a few fun items, like sweet potato burgers and a blueberry lavender yogurt.
I'm taking a break from foodie explorations this week, so made sure to stock up on tasty healthy things :)

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Tuesday, I felt simultaneously exhausted but well-rested if that makes any sense. Time changes and stress will do that.
I got a lovely confirmation email from the person who is letting me use a practice room in their building on Wednesday.
It'll be nice to get the recording over with and submit the audition! Excited and nervous about that :)

After breakfast I walked to Target because my deodorant broke and I'm at the end of my face wash too.
Partway there I got one of my "feelings" that I get...if you're an LJ Friend you might know what I'm referring to, it's embarrassing to explain but essentially it's something that occasionally "helps" me to find wildlife. Anyway I followed it off the sidewalk and into some bushes behind a shopping plaza, and found a mother Muscovy duck sitting on a crapload of eggs.

CLICK HERE for a short video

The duck:


The eggs:


I had any ability to candle these eggs, I probably would have done so and taken some to eat. Ah well.
It was cool to find her, although I felt bad that she got up and walked away from her eggs because of my interference (that said I was there for less than 30 seconds + Muscovy ducks are invasive anyway).

The theatre is about two miles away, which sounds close enough to walk but not in 92F hot humid rainy Florida weather in concert clothing. So we have rental cars, and the ride is only about 5 minutes. This theatre is a performing arts building on a college campus. It's rather small, but that's good because our show does better in smaller theatres.

Opening night went well, nothing to report.

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Wednesday I had breakfast and did laundry, then nervously killed time before my audition recording at 1pm.

Kelly (the person running the studio) was awesome, cheerful and friendly and accommodating for what I was trying to do today.
She gave me this dance studio, which was perfect. Just a mid-sized room where I wouldn't be disturbed for an hour or two.


Of course setting up and recording took way longer than I expected, so I did use the whole allotted time.
Afterward I felt tense and flustered, so decided to volunteer for an errand for Molly (Stage Manager) who wanted local honey.
I know exactly where to find it: Florida citrus stalls. They ALWAYS have some, and in travel sizes too.

I got it at Sun Harvest Citrus. Normally I would have taken lots of photos, but me being flustered and it being very crowded in there, I wasn't focused enough to do it. Suffice to say they had piles and piles of citrus fruit, a fruit sample bar, a juice squeezing station where they were literally pressing orange, grapefruit, lemon, and other juices fresh for sale, and shelves full of touristy stuff like honey, jams, nick-knacks, and baked goods. They also sold ice cream made with the pressed juices and fruits.

I got her three sample-sized types of local honey (it was for allergies) and a tiny jar of coconut spread for myself (non-dairy, YES)


I started editing my videos but before I knew it it was showtime.
I felt impatient as we played the show, wanting to edit my clips and get it over with!
The pros of a recorded audition are that you can send your best takes; the cons are that making and editing those takes can take hours.
The pros of an in-person audition are that you get to meet people in-person, and the audition is over in minutes.
The cons are that you only get one shot in that short time, and it may not be your best shot.

No matter which type of audition I take, unless I did exceptionally well I tend to feel down on myself afterward, and this time was no exception.
But as I am always saying to Jameson, we can only do our best, and try, on any given day. So I have to accept that and be satisfied with that.

Jameson's audition was in-person, and he says it went well. I'm very happy for him! Like me, he struggles with self-worth, so the fact that he completed the audition AND it was a positive experience is a big win.

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It's Thursday morning and I've uploaded my audition videos, and have already gotten confirmation that they were received.
Phew! Glad that's over with! Now to await results. I do not have my hopes up for a variety of reasons, but regardless I'm still grateful to have had the opportunity.

Today we will have two shows, then on Friday I'm looking forward to a mostly free day.
I have no plans here in Fort Myers other than to decompress a little; the past several cities have been activity-packed, and I could use a little bit of time to just be present.

Monday was pretty much covered in last post.

I finally finished the last episode of Stranger Things.
Went for a walk with Jameson.

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Tuesday, waking up at 5am and having to eat that early is kind of a pain.
But if I don't eat there's no guarantee I'll have the chance again until at least noon if not later.
So, egg whites and oatmeal bread and peanut butter and raspberries and coffee.

Off to Alafaya. Past the coded door and to the foyer, where the two security guards and several hearing reporters (VHRs) were talking excitedly. This was the first day of in-person hearings since the pandemic started over two years ago, after all.

They were having sort of a huddle to check with each other about how things go for in-person.
Which really wasn't all that different from remote hearings.
Security Guard 1 was in charge of wanding people to death with a detection wand, checking bags, clearing folks for entry.
Security Guard 2 would then give them paperwork, most of which is a big questionnaire asking about covid symptoms and whether your address has changed, tedious things like that.
The VHRs would bring people back to the judge once the questionnaires were complete, and wipe down surfaces after everyone had left.

Seemed straightforward to me!

My trainer had me sign in, then went to make copies and while she was gone the judge came in.
A middle-aged guy who raised his eyebrows at me and said, "You're not Wanda...!"

I introduced myself. He seemed like a nice guy, and he definitely turned out to be.
Just super patient and chill no matter what fell in his lap throughout the day.
Which turned out to be two cancelled cases, two full cases, and one postponed case because the claimant decided partway through that they no longer wanted to represent themselves.

In between cases there was indeed time for a short lunch.
I ate, but between bites I worked on our end-of-day paperwork such that when the last case was over for the day, all we had to do was attach all the files and send the emails. Easy peasy.

I still left right at the worst possible rush-hour time, so didn't get home until after 6.
Some days will be like that. If your last case of the day is at 3:30 and it goes for an hour, then you have an hour's worth of paperwork, so be it.

Back home Jameson filled me in on his doings.
His follow-up was today, and they said he's doing great and should recover nicely.
They showed him the size of his mesh (it's almost a brick-sized rectangle, much bigger than we thought!) and explained what each of the incisions had been for. Three were for manipulating tools, one was for a camera, and the one at his belly button was where they pulled the mesh in. Crazy to think about, and awesome too.

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Wednesday, I got up early for a dentist appointment.
My dentist is downtown so it was quite a drive, but I used it as an excuse to visit the Asian grocery in that area as well.

My teeth!


Everything was fine but they did push cosmetic adjustments a little strongly this time.
Yes, I know I have horse teeth, people. But fixing that shit ain't cheap. I'll think about it but that's likely as far as it will go.

At the iFresh, which is the name of our Asian grocery here in Orlando, I was pleased to see they've gotten that baby bottle yogurt milk.
Everyone should experience it once!

As always there were so very many things that I wanted.
These canned milks had such cute graphics! I wanted them all. But they were ridiculously high in sugar plus contained milk powder, which is a big no-no for lactose intolerant people who don't want to be up all night. So I had to pass them by.


Other wishful thinking items included canned quail eggs, salted preserved duck egg yolks, and a bag of cream-flavored sunflower seeds (what does that even MEAN?).

( Read more... )

**Disclaimer: The content of this post reflects my own personal views, opinions, and experiences.
This post does NOT express the views or opinions of my employer.**

I woke up in the hotel in Buffalo, a little confused about where the heck I was.
I'd been dreaming that someone stole my trombones (this has been an ongoing theme lately) and I was trying to get them back. Yay stress dreams.

Our rehearsal was delayed by about an hour, so we were meeting at 11 instead of 10.
This was actually convenient for me to run one small errand, although I'd have to get an Uber to do it.
I scheduled the Uber for 9:50, got dressed, and went to find breakfast.

Hotel breakfast was very nice, the usual stuff: oatmeal or cereals, misc fruit and coffee and a waffle machine and whatnot.
I got myself some oatmeal and coffee, but brought it back up to my room to have with the Greek yogurt I'd bought yesterday.
At some point I'll want to make my own breakfasts, certainly not all hotels provide meals. But for now, oatmeal is oatmeal no matter who makes it so I may as well eat theirs. And as for coffee, hotel coffee can be nice sometimes too :)

After breakfast I just kinda hung out until it was time for my errand.
Chatted with the Uber driver on the way. It was only a mile and a half, and normally I would have walked it, but because this was so close to rehearsal time I wanted to play it safe.

After just a few minutes, we arrived!


This is BreadHive! It's an employee-owned co-op, meaning the owners work in the store each day and every employee has the potential to become an owner. They currently have eight owners, and it's also possible to invest in their bakery (don't ask me how, this seems complicated)

Whatever they're doing seems to be working, I mean look at that bread!
They only have fresh-baked bread available starting at 10am, which is when our rehearsals usually start. Which is why when our first rehearsal was conveniently delayed, I realized this would be my best chance to get fresh, local bread to enjoy this week!
Hence the special trip and the Uber.

I'd placed my order in advance, and got a "westside sourdough" and a soft sourdough pretzel.




Back at the hotel I cut the loaf in half (mutilated it! Should probably get a bread knife) and put half of it in the freezer, and the pretzel in a ziploc.
Then it was off to rehearsal. ( Read more... )